


Somewhere With You

by alwayseven



Category: Disney RPF, Jonas Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-03
Updated: 2010-08-03
Packaged: 2017-10-11 17:51:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/115087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alwayseven/pseuds/alwayseven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin's a freshman at a small liberal arts college in Southern California, against the wishes of his parents, who wanted him to go to the Christian university they picked out for him. Zac's a senior from Los Angeles on the basketball team who's been doing what he wants since he was thirteen. It's just three weeks into his first semester and somehow Kevin let himself end up half naked in Zac's bed after a little too much of that sticky sweet punch. At first, Kevin thinks Zac's just messing around with him. By the time Kevin figures out he's not, they're both too far into this to walk away unscathed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Somewhere With You

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Jonas Brothers Big Bang 2010

Kevin is not drunk.

At least, he doesn't think he is since he specifically _told_ Zac that he doesn't drink. It's probably all the sugar in that fruity punch Kevin's been drinking all night that has him feeling loopy like this. Kevin is not allowed to have sugar.

Of course, now that he's in _college_ , 1600 miles away from home, what his mom doesn't know won't hurt her. Kevin just has to remember not to _tell_ her, since he sort of tells her everything.

Zac lives in a very old house a block from the beach and a mile from school. Kevin can feel the walls shaking like they might fall down around the crowd of people from the force of the music and the crush of bodies. Kevin is not dancing but he's swaying back and forth, propelled by the movement around him. His head feels wobbly and his feet can't stop moving.

"Okay, Dallas, take it easy," Zac says, moving out of the way as the vibrant punch sloshes over the rim of Kevin's plastic party cup. Zac knows his name, Kevin has told it to him three times already. It was only when Zac laughed and said, "Yeah, I know Dallas," that Kevin realized Zac had given him a nickname. Kevin's never had a nickname, not a real one all his own and he likes the way Zac says it, playful and affectionate.

Kevin just really _likes_ Zac. He's exactly the kind of friend Kevin imagined having if he'd been able to go to a real school instead of being home schooled with his brothers and the weird girl and her weird sisters down the street.

Somewhere in the fog inside his head, Kevin knows he shouldn't have accepted Zac's invitation to come here tonight. He likes it here, and he likes that Zac is actually hanging out with him, but there are things at this party that Kevin is not supposed to know about, let alone be a witness to. Except, it was sort of hard to say no when Zac smiled like that, perfect white teeth in sharp contrast to his tanned skin. Zac has excellent teeth.

"You have great teeth," Kevin tells him, bracing himself with a hand on Zac's shoulder because the room suddenly got very shaky. "Oh my gosh," Kevin slurs even as Zac gives him a little smirk and grips Kevin's hip, "we're having an earthquake!"

Zac doesn't move his hand, just gives Kevin a little push. "What do you say we go get some fresh air, hmm Dallas?" Zac's voice is really low and there's this weird buzzing in Kevin's head, this shiver in his spine. Kevin nods because yes, good, outside is good, it's hot and noisy in here with all these drunken half naked people. Kevin doesn't know where everyone's clothes went.

"Wait!" he shouts, stopping. "Where's Rachel?"

Zac's eyes scrunch up when he laughs, Kevin realizes. It's kind of funny.

"She's fine, I promise, see?" Zac gestures across the room to where Rachel's sitting on the window sill, talking to a guy who looks kind of like Colin Hanks.

"Oh, good," Kevin sighs. It's important to know where Rachel is, and in the morning maybe he'll remember why. Except, oh yeah, "I think she might be my best friend," he says to Zac, as Zac ushers him out to the yard.

Out here, in California, the stars are really bright. Kevin tilts his head back, maybe a little too far back since he sways, just to stare up at the darkness. "Whoa," he breathes. When he rights himself, blood rushing back to its proper places, Zac is suddenly very, very close.

"Wow, you have stars in your eyes," he mumbles. "Pretty."

"Dallas," Zac says, smiling slightly. Zac's moving closer. Kevin stumbles into it, and then somehow his mouth is touching Zac's. Wow.

"Dallas," Zac says again, a little softer, pulling back. Kevin's eyes go wide because up close like this, Zac is really pretty. There's a beat where Kevin thinks Zac's changed his mind, and then Zac moves in close, one hand cupping the back of Kevin's head, lips brushing his.

Kevin has never been kissed like this. Well, his brain counters, he's never been kissed at all, but this is better than he'd hoped. Zac's lips feel nice against his.

Kevin is not supposed to be kissing Zac back, is the problem. But whatever Zac's been drinking tastes sweet and sharp on his tongue and he's kissing Kevin like it's something he knows how to do, something he's put effort into perfecting.

"Mm," Kevin mumbles, "hold on a second." He pulls away to gulp in air, his stomach lurches and a second later he's throwing up in the overgrown grass, a mess of pink. "Oh no," Kevin says sadly. There's no way Zac's ever going to want to kiss him after this.

 

*

 

Kevin's parents sat him down the week before school started, for a long 'conversation' - "this is not a lecture, son," his father had insisted - about the dangers that awaited him in California.

Kevin doesn't know if this - waking up in a strange bed with no memory of the night before - is what his parents were warning him against. Either way, Kevin is way out of his depth and he doesn't have the slightest idea how he ended up here or where exactly "here" is.

It doesn't matter though because he's going to throw up. It's the nausea that woke him, this tidal wave in the pit of his stomach that jolted him into consciousness. He needs to find the bathroom, or at the very least a garbage can.

He gets unsteadily to his feet, an old wood floor that creaks beneath him when he stands, and immediately trips over a pair of flip flops that don't belong to him. He's in someone's bedroom, someone's _messy_ bedroom, clothes scattered around the room, towels hanging from doors and chairs and a pile of dirty magazines on the floor by the door.

Kevin's never seen a dirty magazine before and he's a little intrigued. Curiosity has him reaching for one but the movement of bending reminds him that he's in danger of throwing up all over the floor of whoever's bedroom this is.

The door sticks, an old doorknob that doesn't want to budge. It takes both hands and a foot planted on the door frame to the get the door open. When he does he's standing in a maze of identical doorways, the same old wooden doors distinguished only by the pictures and whiteboards and in one case, a poster of a naked girl.

Kevin finds the bathroom just in time, stumbles to his knees and empties his stomach in a very old, very gross looking toilet. He tries not to touch anything since he's pretty sure this is Zac's house and if he remembers correctly, Zac lives with nine other guys. Guys in their twenties who probably know nothing about Mr. Clean and Clorox.

Kevin stays there on his knees until he's sure there's nothing left to throw up. His mouth tastes disgusting. He struggles to his feet and gingerly turns the sink on, rinsing his hands before cupping them with water. He gargles the taste from his mouth as best as he can and looks around the bathroom. There's a window above the toilet with a view of the ocean beyond the rooftops of the surrounding houses. He borrows someone's mouthwash and if he had a pen he'd write a note of apology. As it is he doesn't think anyone is likely to notice or care.

He's rinsing, spitting into the sink, when the door opens with a thud as it knocks against the wall. Kevin chokes, spluttering, a hand on his chest as he spins around.

There's a guy in just his underwear standing in the doorway, his hair an unruly mess of dark curls hanging in his eyes. Kevin recognizes him vaguely as one of the guys from the party though he can't for the life of him remember his name.

"Oh shit," the guy says, "sorry, dude. I didn't know you were in here." He moves past Kevin towards the toilet. And he pulls himself out from his boxers and urinates right there while Kevin tries not to stare.

"Oh my gosh," he whispers, covering his mouth and fleeing, making sure to shut the door tightly behind him, to spare anyone who happens by.

The hallway is quiet. Kevin makes it back to the bedroom without running into anymore half naked people.

Kevin's shoes are lined up thoughtfully by the bed. Getting into them feels too much like a chore he doesn't have energy for. He sits down at the edge of the mattress to catch his breath. He feels weirdly like the journey to the bathroom used up all the energy he had.

He's thinking about taking a nap when Zac appears in the doorway.

"Morning," Zac says, a wry little grin curving his mouth. He's in surf shorts and a basketball t-shirt, his wet hair curling around his ears.

Wow, Kevin thinks. He looks _good_.

Zac has a pretty face. That's how Kevin thinks of it, in his head. That Zac is really, really _pretty_. It was the first thing Kevin noticed when they met, one week into school as Kevin was trying to find the science building, walking across the quad with his head in a campus map.

Zac, it turns out, is not only really attractive, but also a super nice guy. He personally escorted Kevin to the second floor classroom of the Earth Sciences wing before he spent fifteen minutes coaxing Kevin into coming to his party.

Kevin doesn't know that he should have given in, considering he's just thrown up after drinking something dangerous at said party. But it's nice that Zac is here, concerned.

"How do you feel?" Zac asks, coming into the room with a mug and a plate of toast.

Kevin makes a face. "Like I just threw up," he says sadly.

"Yeah, sorry about that. I should have warned you about David's punch. It's pretty lethal." Zac sets the mug on the bedside table and offers the toast to Kevin. "This might help, though," he says, with a sheepish, apologetic smile.

"Oh, thank you," Kevin says, taking the plate.

Zac sits down on the bed next to him, kind of close but not in a bad way. He smells really good, fresh from a shower but better.

Kevin's stomach is doing weird things with Zac sitting like this next to him. Not weird like he has to throw up but weird like he feels flushed and a little excited, nervous.

It's logical. Zac is a good-looking guy. Beautiful, really. Kevin doesn't have any experience with boys like Zac wanting to be his friend. He's never even met anyone like Zac before. When he smiles, Kevin feels like he's watching the sun come out.

Kevin tries to focus on chewing and not choking to death but it's a little impossible because Zac's just hanging out, leaning back on his elbows, watching Kevin openly like Kevin is something worth watching.

"Tell me something, Dallas," Zac says, falling to his back, hands folded beneath his head. Kevin turns to sit fully on the bed, legs crossed, still gingerly picking at the toast.

He's not good at this, small talk. He never knows what to say. "I'm a Scorpio," he says blankly, the very first thing that pops into his head.

Zac smiles. "Yeah?" He nudges Kevin's foot with his knee. "I'm a Libra. Guess we're a match made in heaven."

Kevin doesn't actually think that's true, he's pretty sure Scorpios and Libras are not at all compatible but his skin is buzzing where Zac's skin touched his and he feels pleasantly warm so he just nods and tries to swallow.

"Do you have any brothers?" he blurts suddenly. He knows next to nothing about Zac, except that he's the closest thing the school has ever had to a celebrity - he's even been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, though someone had to tell Kevin that since Kevin doesn't read Sports Illustrated.

Zac's eyes go a little soft around the corners when he smiles. "Yeah, one. Dylan. He's a few years younger than me."

"Do you miss him?" Kevin asks. He wants to know if it gets easier. He's been here three weeks and sometimes the missing feels like too much, this feeling in his chest that keeps him awake at night. Not for his parents but for Joe and Nick and Frankie. He hadn't thought it would hit him like it has, he thought he was ready for a little distance, for something of his own. He hadn't counted on this need to tell them everything, to want to know every detail of every moment he was missing.

Kevin expects Zac to shrug it off or say "nah," like it's no big deal but he doesn't look away as he says quietly, "yeah. It's easier now that he can drive, he comes down to visit when he can. But the first year was the worst. We always shared everything and then suddenly it was like we didn't even know each other."

Zac studies Kevin for a second before he says, "what about you? Any siblings? You have that homesick look in your eyes."

Kevin swallows, throat tight suddenly. He feels uncomfortably vulnerable. Never in his life has he been in a situation like this, such as it is. He barely knows Zac and yet he's sitting in his bed after having _spent the night oh gosh_. He still feels sick, though the tea's helping, and mostly what he wants is to be at home.

Kevin looks down at his lap and tries to keep his voice steady. "I have three younger brothers," he says. "Joe, Nick and Frankie."

"And you miss them," Zac says.

Kevin looks up, frowning. But Zac's just watching him, nothing mocking or teasing in his expression, so Kevin just nods. "Yes." He pauses. "I don't know, I guess it took me by surprise."

Zac's nodding, an understanding smile in his eyes. "Yeah, I went through that. I was so ready to leave, Dylan and I were fighting all the time, and a week into the semester all I wanted was to be at home fighting with him."

"My parents wanted me to go to school at home," Kevin surprises himself by saying. "They wanted me to commute to the college my dad went to and live at home."

"And you wanted a little freedom," Zac says like he understands.

Kevin picks at the hem of his jeans. "Yeah," he whispers. But it's more than that, coming here wasn't about freedom so much as finally being able to be himself, to be the parts of himself he feels like he's had to hide from his parents. But he doesn't tell Zac that.

"You have no idea how long it took me to convince them to let me come here," he says.

That was six months of planning, of cutting articles and statistics, putting together an argument for why this place was the right place for him. And then there were the fights that came about, his father railing against Kevin going someplace that wasn't his alma mater, his mother all but wringing her hands at the thought of Kevin so far from home.

"Are you feeling any better?" Zac asks quietly after a minute.

Kevin smiles, sheepish. "A little. I'm really sorry - thanks for letting me sleep here."

Zac sits up and he's close enough now that Kevin can smell the toothpaste on his breath.

"It's my fault, I should have warned you what was in that punch," Zac says. "I just didn't think you were such a lightweight."

Kevin frowns. "Yeah, well, I told you I don't drink." That's an understatement. Kevin has never, before last night, had anything alcoholic in his bloodstream. And he never will again, if throwing up in gross grimy toilets is what he gets for it. The rest of it, though, Zac making him toast and hanging out with him, that part's pretty nice.

Kevin gets up abruptly. He has no idea what time it is and he has more homework to do than time to do it. "Um, I should go," he says, hovering awkwardly for a beat before he leans down to pull his shoes on.

When he stands up, Zac's right there, startling Kevin into tripping on his own foot. Zac grins, braces Kevin with a hand flat on his stomach. Kevin feels that with a rush of heat and his breath catches in his chest.

"Um, okay," he mumbles, unmoving. "Thanks again," he says.

Zac's smile is slow. He hasn't moved his hand, fingers splayed across Kevin's belly. Kevin looks down because he can't stop himself and when he looks back up, his heart pounding loudly in his ears, Zac's looking at him with a heat that Kevin feels down his spine.

"Well, okay, thanks," Kevin says for a third time and pushes past Zac.

"Dallas?" Zac says, and Kevin pauses in the doorway to look over his shoulder at Zac who's grinning wide. "You're welcome to sleep in my bed any time you want."

Kevin feels his face flush hot, his eyes widen and he mumbles "okay," before he turns and flees.

The house is quiet, the downstairs still a mess of beer bottles and plastic party cups. Kevin lets himself out and takes a second to catch his breath, steady his heartrate and remember why he has to go do homework and not go back upstairs.

It's a little less than a mile back to campus and the air helps with Kevin's upset stomach. It's a nice walk, through old residential neighborhoods, tree-lined streets, and the strip of businesses catering to the college.

Carlson College is a little pocket hidden by hundred year old trees with a view of the Pacific. Old stone buildings with an architectural nod to the New England Ivy Leagues  
and a five year old science building glaringly out of place.

Kevin loves it. When he finally convinced his parents to at least let him come visit, he knew the minute he walked across the quad that this is where he wanted to be.

It's a warm day, two weeks into September and it feels like the dead of summer. But the breeze off the water has students out in the grass, napping or studying.

Kevin walks to his dorm and feels again, like he does most days, that he made the right choice.

There are two freshman dorms and Kevin lives on one of the co-ed halls in the dorm behind the Student Center. His third floor corner room looks out over the parking lot and he's sweating a little when he lets himself in.

Kevin's roommate, Miles, is a nice guy from Seattle with black plastic glasses, shaggy hair that hangs in his eyes and a collection of video games that takes up the entire wall of shelves between their beds. They get along reasonably well, since Kevin's used to living with other people and compromising and Miles doesn't seem to let anything bother him.

He's still asleep, face down, sheets kicked to the floor.

Kevin does his best to be quiet as he gathers his books and notes.

There's a light blinking on their room phone which means he has a message, probably from his mom, given that the battery on his cell phone is dead.

"Oh my god where have you been I feel like your mother are you okay?"

Kevin turns around to find Rachel in the doorway, still in the Cardinals boxer shorts she wears to bed and her duck slippers.

Kevin makes an apologetic face and steps out into the hall with her. "I'm so sorry, Rachel," he mumbles, face warm.

But she doesn't look upset, she's grinning at him and doing something with her eyebrows that's kind of startling. "So? What happened? I want to know everything, all the dirty details."

Kevin's laughing before he can help it and he hugs her impulsively.

Rachel is from St. Louis. She has freckles on her nose, very green eyes and naturally red unruly hair. She's shockingly pretty, just as socially awkward as Kevin and she talks a lot and very fast, sometimes without stopping to breathe. Kevin liked her from the minute she popped her head into their room the second day of orientation and said, "my name's Eleanor, but you can call me Rachel."

Rachel hugs him back, bouncing a little on her toes. "Come on," she says, pulling back and taking him by the wrist. She drags him down the hall to her room, saying, "Micah went to LA for the weekend, thank God, I can't breathe when she's here, everything's so tense."

Micah, Rachel's roommate, is an aspiring model who knows exactly how beautiful she is. Kevin finds her incredibly insufferable and feels bad for Rachel, who's nice to everybody. In the last week or so she's taken to spending most of her evenings with Miles and Kevin in their room. Miles spends most of the time that he isn't in class or doing homework on his computer and nothing much seems to get under his skin. Kevin realizes how lucky he is that he got Miles.

Rachel shuts the door behind her. "Sit. Spill," she says, pushing him to her bed. She has blue flannel sheets with green and yellow robots and a pillow in the shape of a rainbow with white puffy clouds on either end. The wall her bed is pushed up against is papered in pictures of her friends back home, her dog - a pug named Captain Jack - and glossy magazine shots of Paris.

Kevin sits up against the head of the bed, his legs crossed. Rachel climbs up to sit across from him, elbows braced on her thighs and props her chin in her hands.

"Tell me everything, don't leave anything out," she demands and then waits expectantly.

Kevin has never said the words "I'm gay" out loud. To anybody. Rachel didn't ask and Kevin didn't correct her gender pronouns. It's the first time in his life that Kevin's felt comfortable enough to be honest about that part of himself. He knows it's only because he's miles away from home. Know one knows him here, who his parents expect him to be. Here he can be anyone he wants to be.

He feels like he can breathe easier now.

Kevin shrugs. "There's not really anything to tell. I threw up and when I woke up this morning I was in his bed." He looks down then, smiling a little at how it sounds. The throwing up thing wasn't great but the rest was pretty nice. Especially the way Zac smiled at him, like he enjoyed Kevin's company. Kevin really liked that part.

In the span of seconds, Rachel's expression goes from disbelief to excitement and then she's rolling her eyes. "Kevin," she says, grabbing Kevin's hand. "You woke up in Zac Efron's bed and you don't think that's worthing telling?" She laughs and flings her arms around his neck. "You're insane," she says into his ear.

He hugs her back because she makes him smile, because he feels comfortable around her in the space of three short weeks, and mostly because he's never had a friend like her.

"But nothing happened," Kevin insists when he pulls away. But that's not really true. He doesn't know if it counts as a kiss since he was drunk and it didn't last very long, but it was his _first kiss_ and it sort of feels important, like it could be the start of something. Especially after this morning, the way Zac made sure he was okay, the way Zac looked at him.

So he says, "I kissed him," quietly, testing the words to see how they feel.

Rachel's eyes go comically wide. "Ohmigod," she breathes, "I _knew_ it! How was it? Was it amazing? I bet it was amazing, he looks like he'd be a good kisser, tell me everything."

Kevin hasn't quite figured out how Rachel remembers to breathe when she talks, or how her brain manages to catch up to her mouth.

"I don't know," he says a little sheepishly. "I think it was nice? I kind of, um, I kind of threw up right after it happened."

There's a beat of silence. Kevin can practically see the wheels spinning as Rachel tries to find something supportive to say.

"It's okay," he sighs, "you can laugh. It was pretty bad." He's actually pretty surprised that Zac was as good about it as he was.

"Kevin," she says, smiling slightly, "I'm sure it wasn't as bad as that."

"I don't remember _anything_ that happened after," he admits. And even the kiss is fuzzy at best, though he knows it did happen. He just wishes he could remember it more clearly. Specifically if it was as good as he hopes it was.

"So," Rachel prompts, getting up and heading for the mini fridge between her and Micah's beds. "What do you think? Do you like him? I'm pretty sure he likes you, you should have seen the way he looked at you, from where I was standing he looked like he wanted to devour you. Wait, hang on, is he even gay?"

Kevin's watching her wide-eyed, waiting for her to slow down. She doesn't even pause as she hands him a granola bar and tears into her own. "You're my first gay friend, though there was this girl who lived down the street from me who was a lesbian, she tried to kiss my best friend Laura Jane when we were in the tenth grade. She was a nice girl, I felt bad for her, her parents flipped when they found out."

She pauses to take a bite of her granola bar and Kevin knows what's coming next. She nudges him with her toes. "How did your parents take it?"

The granola bar gets stuck in his throat, even though he knew this was coming. He looks down, feels his face flush hot. This is not something he has ever talked about with anyone. Well, Joe knows and because Joe can't keep anything from Nick, Kevin's sure Nick knows, but talking to Joe doesn't count. Joe just gets him in a way no one else ever has and talking to him about this, while it's never been easy, is different than talking about it with Rachel.

When he looks up, Rachel looks embarrassed, like she knows she broached a touchy subject.

"I'm sorry," she says hastily, her cheeks pink.

Kevin grabs her hand. "It's okay," he assures her. This is important. He fits their fingers together and she squeezes a little.

"I've never told anyone," he says after a heavy silence. "Um, I guess I just thought I could pretend I wasn't, that faking it wouldn't be that hard." He takes a breath to steady the emotions that are getting a little overwhelming. "My dad's a minister, and mom - mom's always talking about when I get married and have babies. She wouldn't handle it well." And that goes triple for his father.

"Oh, Kevin, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up." She takes a breath and then says brightly, changing the subject, "so when are you going to see Zac again?"

Kevin smiles slightly, relieved, but feeling a little raw. "I don't know, we don't really run into each other." Zac's taking three classes this semester and most of those are business classes and in a building Kevin doesn't have any classes in.

"I think it's really cute the way he calls you Dallas," Rachel says, taking Kevin's empty granola bar wrapper and getting up to throw it in the trash. "What are you doing now, were you going to the library? I have so much homework to do before tomorrow I feel like I'm drowning in it."

Kevin's in the same boat. He feels like he wasn't prepared for the sheer amount of time he has to put into his classes. It's not even that it's all that difficult, it's just time consuming, hours upon hours of reading and note taking and trying to retain all the information being crammed into his brain. "Yeah, I was heading over there, I just should probably shower first and call my mom."

"Okay, just come get me when you're ready," Rachel says, pulling Kevin up and impulsively hugging him. He hugs her back, she's warm and smells fruity like oranges and strawberries, her hair soft against his jaw.

Kevin runs into Miles in the hallway, carrying his shower caddy and an armful of clothes, a towel thrown over his shoulder.

"Dude," Miles says when he sees Kevin. Miles' hair is a mess around his face and he looks like he could use another twelve hours of sleep. "Everything cool?"

Kevin smiles. It's weird - Miles is his roommate, not his father or brother, but Kevin can't shake the feeling that he owes Miles an explanation for why he didn't sleep in his own bed last night. He doesn't give into it, just says, "yep, yes, fine, everything's good," like a bumbling idiot.

Miles just grins. "Okay, cool," he says and disappears into the guys' bathroom.

Kevin gives in and listens to the voicemail from his mother which is mostly her being worried that his cell phone was off and checking if he needs anything. He feels guilty for making her worry so he calls the house.

She answers on the second ring sounding a little breathless. "Kevin honey? Is everything okay?" In his mind, Kevin can picture her doing laundry with the phone by her side, waiting for it to ring.

Kevin resists rolling his eyes. He feels guilty for feeling annoyed. He likes that she calls him to keep him up to date with everything that's going on back home and to check that everything's okay with him here but he feels like he's being monitored, like he's on a leash.

Kevin realizes she just wants to hear his voice when she starts asking him about the syllabus for his statistics class.

"I have to go," he tells her apologetically. The homework he has to do is looking like it'll put him well past midnight when he finally gets done with it all and he's starting to stress out about it. He has to prove that he can get good grades, that it wasn't a mistake for his parents to let him come out here.

His mother is quiet for a beat and Kevin feels guilty all over again. "I'm sorry, mom, I just have kind of a lot of homework to do."

"It's okay, honey," she says, "we'll catch up in a few days. Your father and brothers send their love. Please be sure you're getting enough rest and eating right, I don't want you to get sick."

Kevin smiles a little, wishing for a brief moment that he could hug her. "Okay, I love you," he says. They say a drawn out round of goodbyes before they hang up.

 

 

*

 

Kevin knows he disappointed his parents by coming to Carlson. He still gets knots in his stomach every now and then when he thinks about it, from the guilt and the knowledge that he let them down in a way. Not that they go on about it, once the decision was made they were nothing but supportive. He just couldn't stay in Dallas, feeling like he was living the life his dad wanted for him and hiding from himself.

It helps that Joe and Nick have been on his side from the beginning.

Joe emails Kevin daily, sometimes as much as three or four times a day. Sometimes it's just a one line email: _Frankie ate five hot dogs at dinner and threw up on the neighbor's cat_ and others it's pages of just whatever comes into Joe's head. Nick doesn't email, he's better on the phone, but Joe always throws in things from him; a song he's been working on or the latest audition he went on.

There's an email waiting for him when he sits down to check real quick before he spends the rest of the day submerged in more information than his brain can handle.

 _A new girl moved in down the street, and Nick's in love. He's writing her a song. It's not very good, he compared her eyes to grass. You should definitely talk him out of that one._

Kevin grins and hits _reply_.

He loses close to half an hour telling Joe about last night, everything about Zac that he knows, which isn't near as much as he would like and probably way more than Joe needs to know.

Nothing even happened, not really, but Kevin's _giddy_ with it. There's a freedom here he's never felt before, not so much a freedom to do what he wants when he wants, though that's part of it, but a freedom to just be himself. It's new and exhilarating.

He ends the email with: _things are really great here, Joe. Really, really great. I miss you though, you and Nick and Frankie. I wish we weren't so far away._

He hits _send_ feeling a little pang of homesickness.

 

*

 

Kevin realizes Zac programmed his phone number into Kevin's cell phone when Zac calls him late in the afternoon on Monday. Kevin's in a fog of homework. He's spent the last three hours since his last class bent over a hundred pages of readings about the Spanish Civil War. His eyes are dry and his back is starting to ache from being bent over the table the way he's been.

He and Rachel are in one of the glass paneled study rooms in the library, both of them neck deep in homework. Kevin likes learning, and he likes school, but sometimes he thinks he should have taken Joe's advice and joined the circus.

His phone startles him out of his daze and he looks blankly at the screen for a beat before he answers. He doesn't remember putting Zac's number in his phone but the readout is a picture of Zac, hair wet and in his eyes, making a ridiculous face.

Kevin grins at it and feels his face get warm. Something about Zac taking time to put his number into Kevin's phone complete with a stupid picture makes Kevin feel foolishly giddy.

"Nice picture," Kevin says when he answers the phone. Across from him, Rachel kicks him under the table and raises her eyebrows. He's sure she can tell from his goofy grin who he's talking to but he mouths it anyway.

"Yeah," Zac says and Kevin can hear the grin in his voice, "I thought you'd like that. What are you doing?"

"What are _you_ doing?" Kevin blurts before he can shut his mouth. He's spent the last two days in a cloud of studying and coming up for air to replay every second between him and Zac. He's spent meal-time with an eye on the doors to the dining hall, hoping to see him. It's ridiculous, really. It's not like they're anything at all, friends or whatever.

Kevin swears he can hear Zac's smile get wider through the phone. "I'm calling you, Dallas."

Kevin ducks his head, playing with his hilighter. "I'm studying. Rachel and I are in the library." He uncaps the pen and starts doodling in the margin of his notes, little curlicues since he draws the line at hearts and writing Zac's name over and over.

"What a coincidence," Zac says. Kevin opens his mouth to ask why it's a coincidence but Zac cuts him off. "Do you surf, Dallas?"

"Um, no," Kevin says adamantly. He can do a lot of things, and he's tried a lot of things, but surfing is not for him. "I don't do anything that involves death by drowning," he says, drawing little stars to go with his curlicues.

Zac lets out a low, surprised laugh. "Not even if I was there to save you?" he says, his voice gone a little softer, teasing but darker.

Kevin flushes to his toes and absolutely does not look at Rachel. She's given up on her notes and is openly watching him, listening to every word. He kicks at her beneath the table and she just laughs and kicks him back.

"Not even then," he says, his mouth dry. There's no conviction in it. The idea of Zac teaching him to surf, wet in the water with him, is one he kind of likes.

"That's too bad, Dallas, that's a real shame. We could have a lot of fun, you and me." And now Zac's just blatantly flirting with him. Kevin likes it a lot.

"How was your weekend?" Zac says, "aside from throwing up and your first hangover, I mean." There's a teasing note in the way he says it, something familiar like maybe they're friends.

"It was pretty good, actually," Kevin says, feeling his smile stretch across his face. "This hot guy let me sleep in his bed." Kevin has no experience with flirting but this feels easy, natural maybe.

"Yeah?" Zac's voice is low, dark and it slides down Kevin's spine to sit hot in his stomach. He shivers.

"You know what, Dallas, I'm gonna have to call you back," Zac says then, "I've found a hot guy of my own," voice still pitched low. Zac hangs up abruptly just as the door to the study room opens and when Kevin looks up, Zac's standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame.

Kevin almost falls out of his seat he's so startled. Rachel's a good enough friend that she doesn't laugh but when Kevin sneaks a glance at her she's smiling and biting her lip like it's an effort to keep from laughing out loud.

"Hey, Dallas," Zac says affectionately, smiling slightly.

"Oh, um, hi," Kevin stammers, rooted to his seat. "Uh, you remember Rachel?" he says, gesturing wildly to Rachel in case Zac's forgotten.

"I do," Zac says, giving Rachel a smile. "Hi."

Rachel's grinning at him, her mouth hidden behind her hand. "Hi," she says to him, standing abruptly. "Excuse me, I have to use the little girls' room." She flashes Kevin a wide grin, eyes wide and an expression that screams _Oh my GOD_ and rushes out of the room.

Zac sits down next to Kevin, close enough that their knees touch. "What are you doing here?" Kevin asks, surprised and pleased. His heart's beating fast and his palms are a little sweaty. It's kind of a silly question, being that this is the library and both he and Zac are students. But Kevin's brain's not working at full capacity at the moment.

"It's impossible to get anything done at my place," Zac says absently, hooking his thumb in the neck of Kevin's polo, familiar like he and Kevin do this all the time. He touches the tip to the hollow of Kevin's throat and Kevin feels his face get hot. "I do my homework here, usually at a study carrel on the third floor."

"Oh," Kevin says stupidly. Nothing else comes out.

Zac's leaning forward now, fingers playing with one of the buttons at the neck of Kevin's shirt. He smells like the ocean and citrus and some kind of soap that smells really, really _good_.

"Kevin," Zac says like he's testing the word on his lips. It's the first time Zac's said his name since they met and Kevin blurted out, "I'm Kevin, I'm from Dallas," before he could stop himself.

"Hmm?" Kevin says absently. The way Zac's looking at him makes him feel breathless, like he's been running. Zac's still touching him.

"You know what I learned last night when I went to bed?" Zac's close enough now that Kevin can see the flecks of light in his eyes.

Kevin shakes his head because his voice doesn't want to work. He's pretty sure it's rhetorical, anyway. But now he's thinking of Zac in bed, shirtless in just his underwear.

Zac smiles slightly like he's remembering. "My sheets smell like you." He nudges forward on his seat so his knee bumps Kevin's.

"Sorry," Kevin whispers. Zac chuckles lowly, leaning forward slightly.

"It's okay," Zac says, moving his hand down to the hem of Kevin's shirt, tugging slightly. "I wouldn't mind if they smelled like you more often," he says, the corner of his mouth tilted up, eyes glittering a little.

Zac hooks his ankle around Kevin's and leans forward, tightening his grip in Kevin's shirt. "Kevin," he breathes softly, "I'm going to kiss you now."

"Okay," Kevin agrees, just a whisper. He's not freaking out but his pulse is going crazy and he's having trouble remembering to breathe.

Zac's eyes drop to Kevin's mouth and flicker back up. Kevin waits, heart pounding loudly in his ears.

Zac smiles slightly as he leans in, his fingers curling in Kevin's hair, bringing him forward. Kevin holds his breath for a beat, waiting, and it leaves him in a rush when Zac's mouth brushes his, his lips parted slightly. Zac's lips taste sweet and a little minty, like chewing gum. Kevin keeps his mouth closed, his eyes pressed tightly shut, and tries not to pass out.

He can _feel_ Zac's smile against his lips. "Relax, Dallas," Zac murmurs, his fingers stroking the back of Kevin's neck. Kevin's shoulders are up around his ears, he realizes. He forces them down, breathes out, tries to get his body to loosen up.

"Sorry, sorry," Kevin mumbles, bracing himself with a hand on Zac's shoulder. He shifts a little, his nose nudging against Zac's, and parts his lips slightly.

"Mm, yeah," Zac breathes, and he kisses Kevin again, deeper and little more intense than before. He touches the tip of his tongue to the seam of Kevin's lips and licks inside, stroking along the sensitive flesh of Kevin's bottom lip. Kevin gasps and opens his mouth a little more, sinking into the kiss, the way Zac's focusing on him.

Kevin's relaxing slowly, getting into it when the door opens again. Kevin pulls away sharply, breathing hard, as Rachel stands in the doorway stammering, "Oh shit, oh my God, sorry." She doesn't move, just stays rooted where she is, mouth open like a fish.

"It's okay," Zac says, smiling slightly, his eyes still on Kevin. "I should get back to work anyway." He gets to his feet and Kevin feels the disappointment sit on his stomach.

"I'll see you, Dallas," Zac says, pausing at the door to give Kevin a small smile he can feel deep down in his toes.

Kevin's own goodbye gets lodged in his throat and it's a soundless movement of lips.

"Oh my God, oh my _God_ ," Rachel says rushing in the second Zac's gone. She sits down in the chair Zac was in and grabs both of Kevin's hands. "Kevin, I'm so sorry I interrupted that, holy crap, that was intense."

Kevin's having trouble breathing and his lips are tingling.

"You should see your face," Rachel says gleefully. "God, you are so _lucky_ , he's so hot."

"Yeah," Kevin says finally, his face breaking into a grin. "Yeah."

 

*

 

It's mid-week when Kevin sees Zac again and in the place he least expected to ever see him.

It's almost midnight. Kevin's dressed for bed in the grey cotton pants his mom bought him and a too small t-shirt that's stretched across his belly. He's finally finished the reading for his history class and he's exhausted.

Miles is caught up in some game on his computer, his enormous headphones covering his ears. He hasn't come up for air in almost three hours. Kevin's not sure Miles is entirely human.

There's a knock at the door. He expects it to be Rachel since she's taken to coming by every night to wish him sweet dreams. Part of him thinks it's as much for her as it is for him.

It's not Rachel when he opens the door, but Zac.

Kevin's so surprised to see him he stumbles, toe catching on the carpet and knocks his forehead on the door frame.

"Ugh, ow," he whimpers, pressing his fingers to his head and wishing the floor would open up and swallow him whole.

Zac's smiling at him, but it's kind of soft and amused and not at all like he's laughing at him. Okay, maybe a little, but Kevin can't really blame him. It's probably one of the top five most embarrassing moments of his life.

"What are you doing here?" Kevin asks, eyes watering a little, forehead smarting.

Zac's leaning up against the frame. He's close enough that Kevin can smell him, feel the heat radiating from him. Zac's voice is kind of low, like he's sleepy. It makes Kevin's skin warm.

Zac shrugs. "I just wanted to see what you were up to." He takes Kevin in, his too small shirt that Kevin suddenly feels the need to tug down over his stomach and his sleep pants, eyes sliding over him in a way Kevin can _feel_. "Come watch a movie with me."

Kevin can feel his eyes go wide. "Now? It's midnight," he says, in case Zac wasn't aware of the time.

Zac smiles again, rolls his eyes slightly. "Yeah." He reaches out, fingers curling in the hem of Kevin's shirt. "This is nice," he says, rubbing the cotton material between his fingers like he's inspecting the quality. Kevin looks stupidly down at his shirt. He doesn't know what's so special about it, it's way too small and he really should pass it on to Nick but it has sentimental value.

"Come with me," Zac says again. He tugs a little on Kevin's shirt, pulls so they're standing almost toe to toe. Kevin holds his breath, hoping and _praying_. He wants Zac to kiss him so bad he can taste it, his whole body tight with tension.

But Zac just gives a little smile. "Please," he says, lips curving and eyes going darker. Kevin doesn't know how anyone could be expected to say no to that. And he suspects Zac knows exactly the effect he has on people. It's kind of frustrating. But whatever, not like Kevin's going to say no, not when he can't think of anything he'd rather do more right now than go to Zac's and watch a movie.

"Okay, let me get dressed," Kevin says, turning back into the room but Zac catches him, fingers tightening in his shirt.

"Dallas," he says on a laugh, "leave it. We're just going to my place."

"But, my pajamas," Kevin says blankly, looking down at his bare feet.

"Come on, kid, live dangerously," Zac says.

Kevin gives in. "Let me just get my keys," he says, slipping back into the room. He nudges Miles out of his game, tells him where he's going.

"Cool," Miles says, not looking away from the computer screen but holding his hand out absently to slap Kevin's. "See you, dude," he mumbles, already disappearing back into his own universe.

"Okay," Kevin says, shutting the door behind him.

It's only when they're walking to Zac's car in the East lot that Kevin realizes it was rude not to introduce Zac to Miles.

Zac walks close enough that their hands brush, Zac's fingertips skating against Kevin's palm. Kevin's so hyper aware of Zac, his body on edge now, he accidentally squeaks, surprised.

Zac grins but doesn't say anything.

Zac drives a beat up old Ford Explorer that was probably dark green at one point but is now just shades of rust. There are bumper stickers for various sports teams on the back, an air freshener shaped like a surfboard hanging from the rearview mirror and the backseat is littered with water bottles and pieces of clothing.

Kevin tries not to but he can't help watching Zac as he drives, his face in the shadows, lit up every now and then by the occasional street light.

It takes just five minutes to get to Zac's and they're turning onto a narrow alley that runs behind the houses. Zac parks in the driveway, between recycling bins overflowing with beer cans and an old Vespa scooter.

There are bicycles and surfboards in the yard, and Kevin trips over a soccer ball on the walkway.

Zac catches him, a hand on his waist, grinning. "Careful."

They go up the back porch through the dimly lit kitchen.

Zac's best friend, a very pretty girl named Vanessa, is standing in front of the open refrigerator.

Kevin squeaks and slaps a hand over his eyes. She's wearing only a pair of pink frilly underwear and a tank top that's mostly just half a shirt, leaving her stomach exposed.

Zac looks at him, startled for a beat, and then bursts out laughing. "Dallas, you're a trip."

"Oh hi," Vanessa says, turning to smile warmly at Kevin. She has long, dark hair and pretty eyes. Naked girls don't really do much for Kevin anymore. Back when he was twelve and thirteen and _everything_ did it for him, he'd look at the girls in his mother's Victoria's Secret catalogue and jerk off, but mostly he just finds them aesthetically pleasing. Vanessa has very long legs and smooth skin.

Vanessa settles on a yogurt and closes the refrigerator. "What are you boys up to?" she says, reaching into a drawer for a spoon.

"We're watching a movie," Zac says. "No girls allowed."

Vanessa kisses Zac's cheek. "You sure know how to break a girl's heart," she says with a grin. "Have fun," she tells them and disappears through the doorway into the living room.

"Wow," Kevin says.

"Yeah," Zac grins. "She's something."

Kevin's heart is pounding loudly as he follows Zac up the dark stair case. At the landing Kevin finds himself again in the maze of doorways, this time with most of the doors opened, letting light into the halls. There's different music coming from each of the rooms and from one the moans that sound like someone's watching a dirty movie.

Kevin's eyes go wide. Zac shakes his head and pulls Kevin into his own room, shutting the door behind him.

Zac has an old 13 inch TV on the bookcase across from his bed. When Zac invited him over to watch a movie, Kevin imagined them downstairs in the living room with space between them, not up here in Zac's bedroom, with the bed the only place to sit.

Zac flips the lights off and they sit in Zac's bed up against the headboard. Minutes in and Kevin has no idea what they're watching - he can't focus, and he feels like he stopped breathing the second he felt Zac's thigh against his.

Something about this, being alone with Zac in his darkened bedroom, feels dangerous. Like maybe if Kevin let it, something could happen. He doesn't know what that something is or if he's really ready for it, but he wouldn't mind if Zac stopped paying attention to the stupid movie and paid some attention to him.

Kevin lasts ten minutes, past the first opening action sequence, before he blurts, "Zac, will you please just kiss me already?"

Zac looks sharply over at Kevin, surprised for a beat before he's breaking into a slow smile. "You want me bad, huh?"

"Shut up," Kevin mumbles, his face hot.

"It's okay, Dallas," Zac says, shifting so he's leaning over Kevin. "Feeling's mutual," he whispers with a grin, a beat before his mouth opens over Kevin's.

Kevin sighs, his arms coming up around Zac's shoulders, pulling Zac closer so they're pressed together from chest to hip.

He rearranges himself so he's sprawled against the pillows, Zac braced above him. Zac kisses him slowly, methodically, but there's an urgency underneath it, both of them breathing hard into it. Kevin can feel Zac's pulse. Kevin can't remember ever being _wanted_ like this and that it's Zac, who's sweet and beautiful and makes Kevin feel like it's okay to be himself, it's exhilarating.

Kevin runs his palms down Zac's back, hands at the hem of his t-shirt. He feels Zac shiver slightly when he touches the tips of his fingers to the warm skin at his waist.

Kevin loves the way he feels, breathless and hot all over, every part of his body alive and alert. He loves the way Zac breathes into him, the way he kisses him like he can't help himself.

They makeout like that, slow and heated, building until they're both panting, the sound loud in the stillness of the room.

"Kevin," Zac says quietly after a while, pulling away, "It's late." He touches Kevin's cheek with the tip of his thumb, something sweet in it that makes Kevin's pulse skitter and skip a beat. "I should take you home."

Kevin feels like he just completely forgot himself. He's seventeen, and for the first time in his life he feels _alive_ , wrapped up in this, in Zac.

"Okay," he agrees quietly. There's no one waiting up for him, he could spend the night here and he wouldn't get in trouble. But it feels like something huge. Everything already feels like it's going a million miles an hour, full speed ahead. Going home to sleep in his own bed, as much as he'd like to stay here, feels like the right thing for now.

"Come on," Zac says sleepily, rolling away. "I'll drive you home." He gets to his feet, a hand out for Kevin to haul him up, and he catches Kevin with a hand on his hip.

"Okay?" he says quietly, brushing a kiss across the corner of Kevin's mouth. Kevin just sighs and turns into it, kissing Zac a little desperately. It's the exhaustion, the fact that it's almost two in the morning and Kevin has class at nine. It's more than that, though. It's the fact that he's known Zac all of two weeks and he feels like all he wants to do is be with him all the time. It's a little terrifying.

The house is mostly quiet, doors closed and music turned down.

The drive back to campus is quiet, Kevin half asleep against the door. Zac idles in the parking lot behind Kevin's dorm, puts the car in park and turns to Kevin. Kevin doesn't hesitate before he's leaning in to Zac, mouths open from the start.

Zac pulls away. "Okay, okay," he whispers breathlessly, "go get some sleep." He palms Kevin's cheek and leans in for one more kiss. "I'll see you tomorrow, hopefully."

Kevin smiles and fumbles for the door. "Thanks for the ride," he says but what he means is, thanks for _everything._

 

*

 

Zac's an upperclassman and as such his schedule is much more flexible than Kevin's. Kevin's already struggling under the weight of five classes. His adviser cautioned him against taking anything beyond four, but Kevin wants to double major and that means more core classes to get out of the way. It also means he doesn't have time for much beyond homework, especially since his statistics class is already giving him trouble and he's had to seek out extra help from one of the students the college tutor center.

So he doesn't actually see Zac until Friday evening when Zac invites him over to his house.

"It's just a bunch of people hanging out, we're going to order some pizzas, watch some tv," Zac said on the phone when he called. "I'll pick you up if you want."

Kevin walks to Zac's because he doesn't want Zac to always chauffeur him around and also for the chance to clear his head. It's been a long week and he has a long weekend ahead of him with the homework he has for Monday. What he wants to do is ignore it all and spend every minute with Zac, and that's the part that terrifies him a little.

It's a little after six when Kevin gets to Zac's. There are people hanging out in the backyard, drinking beer, music coming from the kitchen. Kevin says hello to the people he recognizes and lets himself into the house, pushing through people in the narrow space, looking for Zac.

He gets intercepted by a tall, good-looking guy Kevin recognizes as David somebody, one of Zac's roommates.

"Hey, Dallas, right?" David says, slinging an arm across Kevin's shoulders.

"Um, hi," Kevin says, confused. "It's Kevin, actually." He doesn't say that Zac's the only one who gets to call him that but it's what wants to come out.

"Kevin," David agrees, grinning. Kevin vaguely remembers David from the party. He has a first name for a last name, Harry or Larry or something, and he has this self-assured way about him that Kevin finds kind of fascinating, like he knows how good-looking he is. He's on the basketball team with Zac but he's pretty sure they aren't actually friends.

He's proven right a second later when Zac comes into the kitchen. Kevin grins automatically, waving at him and Zac smiles back, eyes going soft at the corners. His expression shifts, the line of his mouth hardening when he sees David.

"Zac," David says, grinning wide. "I was just getting to know your boy." Kevin recognizes the look on David's face, like he knows he's antagonizing Zac. Kevin doesn't like it and he shrugs away, out from under David's arm.

"Yeah, that's what it looks like," Zac says, something sharp in his tone. He comes forward, tucking his fingers in one of Kevin's belt loops. "Hey," he says, smiling slightly, voice going softer.

"Come on," Zac says, "I'll get you something to drink." He tugs Kevin after him, fingers caught in the waist of Kevin's jeans and Kevin feels a little like he's in the middle of a game of tug of war.

"Henrie," Zac says over his shoulder, "find your own."

Kevin doesn't look back but he's pretty sure David's got a smirk on his face.

"Fuck," Zac says when they're out on the back porch. "I hate that guy. Always after other people's belongings like a fucking thief," he mutters, leaning in to kiss Kevin.

Kevin doesn't really understand but it doesn't matter because Zac's _kissing_ him.

"Hi," Kevin beams, the word slipping into Zac's mouth. He drapes an arm across Zac's shoulder and tilts his chin, opening his mouth for Zac.

"Mm, hi," Zac agrees, tucking an arm around Kevin's waist and hauling him close. Kevin's aware of a house and yard full of Zac's friends but if Zac's comfortable enough to do this here, then Kevin's going to try to be.

There's a catcall from across the yard and Kevin feels his face heat up.

"Fuck off," Zac pulls away to call, a wide grin on his face. "I'm going to grab a beer, what do you want to drink?"

Kevin shrugs. "Anything but beer," he says, making a face.

There's a cooler in the corner of the porch. Zac grabs a couple of bottles and hands one to Kevin.

"Not beer," Zac assures him, handing him a bottle. "It's cider."

"Okay, thanks," Kevin says. He takes a drink. It's sweet and reminds him of the sparkling cider his parents let them have at Christmas, maybe more bitter. Kevin likes it.

Everyone moves into the house for pizza and someone's dvds of Family Guy. Kevin follows Zac through the empty kitchen and loses his breath when Zac spins him around and presses him to the refrigerator, one hand on his hip, the other braced against the fridge door.

"Oh," Kevin breathes and arches forward, his hips bumping into Zac's. He really likes that. Zac grins and kisses him hard, rocking forward a little, a shift of his hips into Kevin's that makes the heat flare up in his stomach and his breath stutter in his chest.

 

*

 

There's a circus of tiny monkeys with cymbals and bass drums running around in his brain, causing pain like nothing Kevin's ever felt before. He tries to open his eyes but the sunlight makes the monkeys go crazier.

"No, bad monkeys," Kevin groans, pulling the pillow over his head. He can't remember anything at all but he's pretty sure he's in Zac's bed, again. The pillowcase is worn soft cotton that smells like Zac.

"Morning," Zac says, amused. Kevin's eyes fly open. Zac is standing over him in nothing but a towel. Naked! The monkeys scream louder, screeching and banging away. "Oh no. No no no," Kevin groans, pulling the pillow back over his face. Zac, naked and wet.

He hates that he can't remember doing naked, sexy things with Zac. He would have _really_ liked that.

Kevin feels Zac settle on the edge of the mattress next to him. "Dallas," he says, tugging at the pillow. "I can hear you freaking out, and you should save it for later."

Kevin pries his eyes open. Zac's hair is wet, falling in his eyes, beads of water sliding down his chest which Kevin is trying very hard not to stare at. Zac has a very nice chest.

"What. Why?" he says, brain just barely registering anything beyond _naked_ and _wet_ and _Zac_.

Zac's smiling. "Because nothing happened. You had a few too many ciders and passed out when you dragged me up here to have your way with me."

"I did not," Kevin says indignantly. But it's possible, he thinks sadly. Who knows what he said or did. "I need this please," and he tugs the pillow back over his face. "Bad, very bad," he says, muffled.

There's a creaking of bed springs and a rustle of blankets and then Kevin's shoving the pillow to the floor because Zac's _straddling_ his hips, leaning over him. He's half naked (naked!) and wet, a dangerous grin in his eyes. "Don't worry, Dallas, I promise to give you plenty to freak out over."

Kevin is conflicted. Because on the one hand, he really wants to make out with Zac, despite the pain in his head and the cotton-fuzz taste in his mouth. On the other hand, ew morning breath and he shouldn't be in Zac's bed wearing only a t-shirt that doesn't belong to him and his underwear. But on the _other_ other hand, wow Zac smells good and his skin is warm and there's a _lot_ of it.

Zac's teasing him now, rocking a little on Kevin's hips, grinning down at him. Kevin blinks up at him. He's really beautiful.

Kevin keeps his lips very tightly pressed together when Zac touches his mouth to Kevin's. Kevin makes an apologetic face and squirms out of reach. "Morning breath," he explains. It's important to him. They don't know each other well enough yet.

Zac pulls back, startled for a beat before he laughs, forehead to Kevin's.

"You're something else, Dallas," he says fondly, touching Kevin's cheek.

"...thank you," Kevin says for lack of anything better to say.

"I'm going to jerk you off now," Zac tells him, as if he's informing Kevin of his plans to go to the beach later. If Kevin wasn't already sure his brain was mush he might have started hyperventilating at that.

Instead he just opens and closes his mouth soundlessly like a fish and hope Zac takes it for what it is, _I have no idea what's going on, but okay_.

Zac presses himself along Kevin's side, kisses Kevin's cheek in concession to Kevin's 'no morning breath kissing' thing. Zac just goes for it, pushes his hand inside Kevin's underwear and touches Kevin like he's done this before, like he knows what he's doing.

"Oh, um," Kevin chokes out because he's not really hard but give him two seconds and Zac's hand touching him like that and it won't be a problem.

Kevin doesn't want to just lie there like a beached whale but he's also not thrilled about making embarrassing noises or writhing around like an idiot. He touches Zac's arm, his bicep where the skin is warm and still damp from the shower and just holds on.

Kevin's head's still throbbing a little but admittedly Zac's hand on him gives him something else to focus on. Except now he can't stop thinking about how sudden it is, everything that's happened in the last few weeks. In the space of days he's had his first kiss and wound up in Zac's bed not once but _twice_.

"Jesus, Dallas, stop thinking so loudly," Zac mutters against Kevin's cheek. Zac swears a lot. Kevin thinks he's supposed to find that annoying but it's sort of impossible when Zac's got his hand down Kevin's pants, down his underwear to be more specific since Kevin's not wearing pants.

"Hey, where are my pants?" he says. He had pants on last night, he's sure of that, because drunk or not he's sure he would remember being pantsless in Zac's house, around Zac's friends.

Zac is chuckling a little, this nice vibration against Kevin's skin. He likes that sound.   
"Focus, Dallas," Zac says, amused. He kisses Kevin's chin, his jaw, and does something with his hand that makes it impossible to focus on anything else.

Zac's hand feels nice, really nice. He likes the confident way Zac touches him. He chews on his lower lip to keep the noises in and focuses hard on not coming. This is critical, not coming, and Zac is making it impossible. He has his face tucked in against Kevin's shoulder, lips pressed to his flushed skin. Kevin has very sensitive shoulders, especially the spot where his throat meets the slope of his shoulder and Zac keeps sucking kisses into Kevin's skin. Kevin's never had a hickey before but there's this quick, fleeting thought that he might like it if Zac left one on him. And then he feels flushed from that so he has to stop thinking about it and tries to just stop thinking all together. Thinking is really not a good idea.

Kevin's trying to keep his hips pinned to the bed to keep from pushing up into Zac's hand but it's kind of hard because it feels really _good_. This is nothing like when Kevin does it. There's nothing ashamed about the way Zac's touching Kevin, sliding his hand up the length of Kevin's cock, intent and steady and good. He gives in, just a little, his hips jerking erratically, pushing needy into Zac's hand.

"Zac," Kevin mumbles, hot and a little sweaty now, curling his hand in Zac's arm.

"Yeah?" The word vibrates through Kevin, Zac's voice low and kind of gravelly. Kevin squeezes his eyes closed. He's getting really, really close and it didn't take any time at all.

"Let me feel it," Zac whispers, his tongue touching the corner of Kevin's mouth and Kevin's forgotten all about practical things like morning breath and manners. "Show me what you look like when you come, let me feel it."

Wow, Zac is kind of dirty. There's no room in Kevin's brain to freak out about it so he settles instead for coming, and hard.

He shudders through it, jerking a little because he's never come like that, without trying to keep quiet or hide what he's doing. It's different like this. His back arches hard with it, straining and Zac just keeps his hand on Kevin, stroking him through it. Zac's still pressing kisses into Kevin's skin, the curve of his jaw, his cheek, oddly soothing and reassuring, chaste compared to what just happened.

Kevin's entire body is _thrumming_ , pleasure in his bones. His brain feels a million miles away. Through the haze he realizes Zac's hand is sliding up Kevin's cock to his belly, smearing Kevin's come, getting his fingers wet and sticky with it. Kevin's eyes go wide at that, when Zac rolls to his back and uses those same fingers on himself.

Kevin doesn't know how his head doesn't explode at that because now Zac is completely naked. His towel's gone and Kevin should try to find it to cover Zac up because he really cannot handle how completely naked Zac is. Wow. And it's not just the naked part but the way looking at Zac's body makes Kevin feel, fever flushed all over and butterflies in his belly, shivery. Zac's body is - well. Nice is the word that comes to mind but it's more like _amazing_ and _perfect_ and _WOW_. He has a stomach that makes Kevin's tongue itch to taste, and strong thighs and other parts that Kevin really cannot handle thinking about right now.

When Kevin lets himself look at Zac's face, his own goes hot again because Zac's just watching him, his eyes dark and focused. He's breathing hard, arm moving as he jerks himself. Kevin's not thinking when he reaches out to trace the planes of Zac's stomach. Zac sucks in a breath, belly going concave.

"Jesus, fuck," Zac curses, biting hard at his lip. He reaches over, fists his hand in Kevin's sweat damp curls and hauls him forward to press his face to Kevin's shoulder. Kevin keeps his hand on Zac's stomach, because he wants to touch but he doesn't think he can handle touching Zac's cock. Not now.

It doesn't really matter though because it doesn't take long for it to happen, for Zac to open his mouth, suck at Kevin's shoulder with a low groan and come.

Kevin stays there with Zac's hand in his hair, Zac breathing harshly against him, and just breathes in the way Zac smells, the way he feels.

Zac lets Kevin go, flops into the pillows with a little laugh. "Whew," he sighs, wiping at his forehead with the back of his hand. His other hand, _that_ hand, he wipes at his belly, smearing his skin with his come.

Kevin should look away but he just _can't_. His mouth feels weird, like when he gets thirsty and he makes a face because he doesn't think that's the right reaction.

Kevin waits for something to happen, some bubble to break to shake him out of this weird world where he does sexy things with someone who looks like Zac. Eventually Zac sits up and Kevin thinks he's going to get up and get dressed but instead he rolls into Kevin, presses him into the mattress.

"Thanks for the orgasm," he says teasingly, this wicked grin in his eyes. Kevin opens his mouth to say "you're welcome," because his parents raised him right, but Zac cuts him off with a kiss. And not just a mouth closed "thank you" kiss, but a wet, deep, "I can't wait to do this again" kiss.

Kevin's lying there panting, staring at the ceiling when Zac rolls out of bed. He stands there, blatantly, unapologetically naked and when Kevin can't help but look, Zac gives him a smile that says, "eat your heart out" and stretches, arms over head, back arching.

Kevin puts a hand over his eyes and feels little vibrations of pleasure hum through him when Zac laughs.

"God, you're cute," Zac says, kneeling on the mattress to kiss Kevin again. It's slower this time, methodic and searching.

When he pulls away, there's something in the way he's looking at Kevin that makes Kevin's breath catch.

Zac moves around the room, reaches for his towel to wipe at his thighs and stomach. It's really intimate and Kevin feels flushed watching him. He's never been as free and easy in his own nudity as Zac is in his and it's kind of fascinating to watch.

Kevin rolls out of bed to find his pants and Zac catches him around the waist.

"Kevin," he says quietly, seriously. "Everything okay?"

Kevin smiles, a little shaky. "Yes," he says and kisses Zac once, fast.

Kevin finds his pants hanging from the door - he hopes he wasn't the one who did that - and he pulls them on, legs a little unsteady, back to Zac.

"Come on," Zac says, coming up behind Kevin, a hand on his hip. "I'll make you breakfast."

Kevin sneaks away to the bathroom first. He scrubs at his teeth with a toothpaste covered finger, gargles with hot water and hopes it'll do for now.

Zac's in shorts and nothing else, standing at the counter in the very old kitchen, drinking orange juice. He smiles at Kevin. "I'm a genius at cereal," he says, gesturing to the seven different varieties of cereal cluttered above the fridge.

"I'm sorry about last night," Kevin blurts and goes pink. That's not at all what he meant to say. It didn't go at all like he'd imagined. He should really stop letting people give him things to drink.

Zac waves him off. He pulls Kevin against him, hands in his shirt. "You're kind of adorable when you're drunk," Zac teases, lips brushing Kevin's jaw, "even if you did ruin my plans for the evening."

Kevin's face goes pink at that.

"Not that I'm complaining," Zac smiles, eyes going soft at the corners. "This morning was pretty good, too."

Zac kisses the corner of Kevin's mouth before he pulls away, turning towards the fridge. "What kind of cereal do you like?"

Kevin pours himself a bowl of Cheerios and takes a sip of Zac's orange juice when it's offered to him.

"Come with me," Zac says, tucking his fingers in the hem of Kevin's t-shirt and tugging him towards the front door.

Zac lives in this weird cluster of houses, old houses rented mostly to college students and twenty-somethings, packed to overflowing to lessen the burden of rent. It's less than a block from the public access beach and they take their cereal over the dunes to sit in the warm sand.

Kevin was seventeen before he saw the ocean for the first time and he still isn't used to how overwhelming it is to stand in the sand, wide expanse of blue before him.

They sit high up on one of the dunes, side by side, with the sun on their faces. Kevin feels a little self-conscious. Zac's just Zac, completely unfazed by whatever it was that just happened between them.

Zac sets his empty bowl in the sand and leans back on his elbows, face tilted up towards the sky.

Zac kisses him then, pulling Kevin down to him with fingers hooked in the neck of his t-shirt. His lips taste sweet, sugary like his cereal and his mouth is cool when he licks into Kevin's mouth.

Kevin kisses him back. Zac's smiling a little when Kevin pulls back.

"I like you a lot, Dallas," Zac says, matter of fact like he's commenting on the weather. Kevin licks his lips and tastes Zac.

 

*

 

Sunday afternoons are quiet on campus, the majority of students playing catchup on their studies after a weekend of playing.

Kevin has the room to himself and he's spent the last few hours in a pile of books and notes on his bed, completely immersed in dense history lectures.

He's not expecting the knock and it startles him into jumping, his heart rate speeding up as he's jolted out of the silence.

"Come in, it's open," Kevin says, breathing hard from the shock. The door opens and Zac pokes his head in.

"I knew it," he says, grinning. He's got a pizza in one hand and a sack of drinks in the other. "Dallas, did you even eat lunch?"

The smell of the pizza reminds Kevin that he is actually hungry. He shrugs and makes a vague gesture to the haphazard mess of books and notes surrounding him.

"You work too fucking hard, Kevin," Zac says but there's no heat in it, just this sweet concern. "Come on, take a break. I know you must be starving."

"I am, kind of," he admits. He pushes his hair out of his eyes. "Thank you," he mumbles. Now that he's out of his bubble of homework, he's aware of the way his shirt clings to his skin, slightly damp with sweat and the slight ache in his neck from being bent over for so long.

"You can just, uh, set those there," Kevin says, waving towards his desk.

He gets up a little awkwardly, an ache in his spine. Zac reaches for him automatically, a hand circling Kevin's wrist and pulling him in close.

Kevin soaks in the way Zac _feels_ against him, the press of Zac's chest against his, the way their hips knock and eventually line up. He tilts his chin slightly, looking for a kiss.

Zac is reassuring. Kevin needs it, his tendency to get pulled into his own head, completely absorbed in schoolwork. Zac teases him that he's too serious about school but Kevin worries sometimes that maybe Zac's right and he should relax a little. He just hasn't quite figured out how to balance everything.

It's kind of nice, and sweet, that Zac does it for him, pulls him out.

Zac has both hands on Kevin's hips, fingers curled into him almost possessive in a way. Kevin shuffles closer and opens his mouth to Zac, lets Zac's tongue curl around his.

Zac smells like the ocean and his skin is warm when Kevin slides his palms up Zac's arms, hands on Zac's shoulders. "You went to the beach," Kevin mumbles, breathing in the salt and sand.

Zac smiles. "And one of these days I'm gonna finally convince you to come with me."

"I like the beach," Kevin insists. "It's drowning I'm not a fan of."

Zac laughs. "You're ridiculous," he says fondly, kissing him again.

They break away, Kevin laughing sheepishly, when his stomach growls. He leans his forehead against Zac's. "Thank you for this," he mumbles, turning his cheek against Zac's shoulder.

Zac hums in acknowledgement and moves towards the pizza, setting it down on the floor and pulling Kevin down to sit across form him, the box between them.

He hands Kevin a can of Pepsi from the sack as well as a handful of napkins. The pizza is the kind Kevin loves, New York style, huge slices with cheese and grease dripping from them.

"Oh my gosh," Kevin sighs around a mouthful of pizza, "this is so good, thank you."

"You're welcome, Dallas," Zac smiles, nudging Kevin's foot with his. "You have to come up for air, kid, you're going to burn out if you keep going like this." Zac says it casually, not a lecture, but concern.

This morning Kevin's mom told him the same thing when she called after church and he told her he'd been up studying since seven.

"I know, I just. I think maybe I overestimated myself," he admits feeling a little sheepish. Classes have been in session for just over a month now and he feels like he's swamped, in over his head.

"Don't say that," Zac says, "you're just so serious about it all. If you have to take a break to catch your breath, you should. It's okay to admit that it's a lot."

Carlson's listed in the top twenty most academically challenging liberal arts colleges and Kevin knew that when he enrolled, he just wasn't expecting this. And he wasn't expecting Zac, either. And if Kevin's being honest, it's probably why he feels so overwhelmed all the time. It's hard to concentrate on making the Dean's List when all he wants is to spend every second he can with Zac.

Kevin finishes his second slice of pizza and feels a little better, less crazed by everything.

"Thanks for this," he says, leaning across to kiss Zac.

Zac hums a _you're welcome_ and curls his fingers in Kevin's hair, deepening the kiss.

"Come on, let me distract you," Zac whispers against Kevin's lips, smiling slightly. He tugs Kevin over him as he lays back against the carpet, the pizza box pushed aside.

"Okay," Kevin agrees. Zac doesn't even have to _try_ to distract him. Kevin's distracted by Zac even when they aren't together.

Zac is _good_ at kissing. Kevin doesn't even have anything to compare it to, a couple of middle school kisses with girls that shouldn't count, but he knows by the way he feels it in his bones, down to his toes.

Kevin pulls back abruptly, breathing hard. He gets to his feet and reaches for Zac.

"Come up here," he says, pulling Zac up with him. He shoves his books and notes to the foot of the bed and tugs Zac down with him.

"Mm," Zac smiles, rolling to his side and bringing Kevin against him, "good idea."

"I'm a genius," Kevin agrees, grinning slightly. He opens his mouth to Zac and sighs into it, arches at the way they fit together, legs scissored and hips pressed against each other.

It doesn't take much until Kevin's breathless and hard, his dick pressing against the seam of his jeans. Zac rocks into it, pushes his hips hard into Kevin's, startling them both into groaning, low and a little needy.

Kevin _clings_ to Zac, fingers tangled in his t-shirt, his other palm flat against the hot skin of Zac's lower back. He moves as best as he can, being on his side like this, and it works, sends heat down his spine and makes him feel like he's in danger of falling apart.

"Jesus," Zac hisses, pulling back slightly. "Kevin," he mumbles. "You make the sweetest sounds."

Kevin flushes hot with embarrassment. He didn't know those were coming from him. Kevin doesn't know how long they stay like that, wrapped up in each other but they're startled out of it when the door opens.

Kevin panics, forgetting where he is for a second, and pulls a pillow over his face. He tries to hide Zac with the stuffed monkey Frankie gave him last year.

"Oh, hey," Miles says, letting the door shut quietly behind him. He doesn't seem at all surprised to find Kevin and Zac tangled up in Kevin's bed. Miles is kind of awesome.

"Hey man," Zac says, laughing slightly and pushing the monkey away. He reaches across Kevin and holds out his hand. "I'm Zac."

"Hey, good to meet you, I'm Miles," Miles says, grinning, and shakes Zac's hand.

Kevin peeks out from underneath the pillow. "Sorry," he says, his face red.

"Dude, it's fine," Mile says, waving him off. "Next time, just leave a sock on the doorknob and I'll know to leave you to it." Miles doesn't look at all annoyed which is nice. Kevin probably should have warned him. He just never thought this would happen to him, _ever_.

Kevin can feel Zac laughing. He swats half-heartedly at his hip because it's not really funny.

"Come on," Zac says, rolling to his feet and holding out a hand to pull Kevin up. "Let's go back to my place."

Kevin's still half hard in his jeans and he yanks his t-shirt down to hide it as best as he can.

"Good meeting you, Miles," Zac says, pulling Kevin out the door. "Help yourself to some pizza," he calls over his shoulder.

"You should see your face, it's bright red," Zac laughs, pulling Kevin in against him, an arm around his shoulder.

"I just, I don't think I told him that I'm uh -" Kevin stops abruptly, cutting himself off. The words _I'm gay_ still feel like this huge hurdle.

"Don't worry about it," Zac says, still laughing, "I'm sure he's figured it out by now. Plus, he seems like a cool guy."

 

 

*

 

The first weekend in October is as hot as ever. Zac won't give up on the surfing thing despite how profusely Kevin tells him that it's not a good idea, leaving out the part about how _terrified_ he is.

He's tried to use his homework as an excuse, and tries again on Saturday morning when he wakes up in Zac's bed _again_.

Zac rolls into him, bracing his weight on his elbows. "Come surfing with me," he says, his voice rough and hoarse from sleep, his eyes soft. He looks really good like this.

"No fair," Kevin sighs. "But I can't," he insists, rubbing his palms down Zac's naked back where his skin is soft and really warm. "I have homework. A lot of homework." He launches into a list of all the things he has to do before Monday. "And I have to do this stupid lab for Astronomy. _Astronomy_. Who thought that would be a good idea," he sighs.

Zac's doing something with his thumb, tracing lines down Kevin's shoulder, trailing a map down his chest. "Really, Dallas?" His voice is soft and Kevin knows as it's happening that Zac's manipulating him, the way he's touching him, the gently coaxing tone of his voice. "It's Saturday, it's gorgeous out. Wouldn't you rather spend it at the beach with me then inside the library studying?"

Of course Kevin would rather be at the beach with Zac. But not if it involves a surf board, or a board of any kind. Or being in the water. Kevin loves the ocean and the beach, but the water is _cold_ , no matter that it's ninety degrees out. And he's got a very serious fear of drowning, even though it's not entirely rational. He's a very good swimmer.

Zac's kissing his neck now, little closed-mouth kisses along his throat and Kevin has to physically keep himself from purring.

"Dallas," Zac mumbles, the words a vibration against Kevin's skin. "If you don't come, I'm going to think you don't like me."

Kevin doesn't even bother hiding his eye-roll. "Oh jeez," he mutters. He curls his fingers in Zac's hair and brings him up. "I'm so easy," he sighs.

Zac's eyes go gleefully wide. "I won't even comment on that," he says with a little smirk.

Zac slips his hand beneath the sheets, his palm warm when he pushes his hand down Kevin's underwear, wraps it around Kevin's erection. "Thank you," Zac grins into Kevin's mouth. "You won't regret it, I promise."

Kevin just wraps his arms around Zac's neck and tries not to make too many embarrassing noises.

Afterwards, Zac smears his sticky fingers across Kevin's skin and kisses him until they're both breathless.

"I'm going home," Kevin tells him when he's managed to dress himself. Zac's still lounging naked in bed, arms folded beneath his head, sheets tangled around his legs. "I'll see you after lunch?"

They've reached a compromise that involves Kevin doing a few hours of homework and then spending the afternoon at the beach.

Zac gives him a small smile in agreement. "But first," he says, reaching across the bed for Kevin's wrist and pulling him towards him. He lifts his mouth to Kevin's and does his best to urge Kevin back down to the bed for more.

"Stop trying to distract me," Kevin laughs, untangling himself from Zac.

"Okay, okay, go be a diligent student," Zac sighs, a wide, happy smile on his face.

Kevin comes back after three hours of Astronomy homework that made him feel like his brain was leaking out of his ear. He's standing in Zac's backyard amid a mess of old surf boards, dirty towels, wetsuits and other beach paraphernalia. He's wearing the brand new swim shorts his mom bought him. They still had the tag on this afternoon when he pulled them on and they're a little ill fitting, really tight across his butt and kind of baggy in the thighs. Kevin has this problem a lot. It's just, his butt is sort of big, and he doesn't know how to fix it. He _hates_ his butt.

Zac's looking at him, standing quietly behind him.

"Don't," Kevin says mournfully, covering his butt with two hands. "It's enormous, I know." He turns around, face a little warm.

But Zac doesn't look like he's making fun. He looks kind of odd, actually, cheeks pink and eyes kind of unfocused.

"Trust me," he says after a second, clearing his throat. "That is not a bad thing."

"Oh," Kevin says a little awkwardly, kind of pleased.

"Here," Zac says, handing Kevin a board. "You can use Corbin's." Kevin watches Zac tuck his own board underneath his arm and Kevin copies him, wobbling a little as he knocks the board into the old wood fence.

The stretch of beach near Zac's house doesn't usually get a lot of traffic but there's a fair amount of people there this afternoon. They find a patch of sand for their towels.

Kevin hands Zac a bottle of sunscreen, SPF 45. "Can you help me with my shoulders and back?" he says as he smears sunscreen on his face and torso.

"Gladly," Zac says low and Kevin can hear the smirk in his voice.

"Don't be stingy," Kevin says, looking over his shoulder, "I burn really easy."

Zac slathers sunscreen on Kevin's shoulders, down his back and Kevin hums under his breath in pleasure. Zac's fingers dip briefly beneath the waist of Kevin's swim shorts, trailing down for a second.

" _Zac_ ," Kevin murmurs, going still.

"Sorry," Zac laughs, not sounding at all apologetic.

When they're all lathered in sunscreen and Kevin's run out of excuses, Zac grabs Kevin's wrist and pulls him towards the water.

Kevin follows with a sense of impending doom. "This is a very bad idea," Kevin warns Zac. There's no way this is going to go well.

It's hot enough in the sand, the sun beating down on them that the water feels really nice on his skin, the wet sand squishing beneath his toes. He doesn't know why they can't just hang out and swim. Surfing doesn't seem so important, actually.

"Dallas, you don't know what you're missing. It's an absolute rush, getting up on that board." Zac touches Kevin's hip. "I promise you'll love it."

Kevin was good in gymnastics and pole vaulting. He has no illusions about his ability to balance on water.

"Okay," Zac says, grinning like he loves this, being in the cold water with Kevin. That makes Kevin relax a little, going warm at the way Zac smiles at him.

Zac shows him how to get on his belly on the board, how to use his hands to paddle out a little ways away from the shore.

They waste an hour out where it's too deep to stand, leaning across to kiss each other, the sun hot on Kevin's skin.

"You're trying to make me forget I'm supposed to be teaching you how to surf," Zac says, his voice low and rough around the edges.

"Is it working?" Kevin says hopefully.

Zac laughs and shakes his head. "Come on, just try it once, I promise you're not going to drown." He circles his fingers around Kevin's wrist, slides his hand down to fit their palms together. "I promise I won't let anything happen to you." He's smiling slightly, a teasing glint in his eyes, but Kevin believes him.

They paddle out farther and wait for a swell. It's not even that big but Kevin feels the fear paralyze him and all he can do is cling to his board and watch as Zac effortlessly gets to his feet, arms spread wide and lets the wave carry him.

"Wow," Kevin breathes when Zac paddles back to him. "That was amazing." There's still no way he's ever going to be able to actually _do_ that but it was kind of breathtaking, watching Zac do it so easily.

"Come on, this one's a good one," Zac says, paddling towards the shore. Kevin sighs and follows him. He gets his knee under him, fingers clinging for life on the board, and the wave washes over him and propels him to where it's shallow. He tries to get to his feet but his fingers won't let go of the board and he falls off the side, ends up beneath it.

Zac pulls him up, a grip on his shoulder and he comes up spluttering, water going up his nose. He chokes a little, a mouthful of salt rubbing his throat a little raw.

Zac is _beaming_ at him. Kevin feels breathless watching him, in a way that has nothing to do with nearly drowning. Never mind that the water isn't even three feet deep here.

"That was good," he says, laughing. He shakes the water from his hair and reaches for Kevin, hooking a finger in the waist of Kevin's shorts.

"You're lying, I didn't even get up," Kevin scowls.

"No," Zac agrees. "But you didn't just stay where you were, either. Progress, baby," he grins, kissing Kevin's nose.

"Wanna go one more time?" Zac says.

One more time actually turns into five more times and each time is slightly better than the last. Kevin never actually gets to his feet but there's one time when he gets on both knees and lets go of the board. That was pretty fun, actually.

The last run he tries to get one foot flat on the board and ends up going head over ass off his board.

Kevin's so startled he swallows a mouthful of water and he comes up choking, waving his hands and squinting as the salt stings his eyes.

Zac lets his board hit the sand and comes over to Kevin, hopping over waves. His eyes are laughing, but it's not malicious. "Are you okay?" He looks happy, amused, like this is fun. Kevin admits, if only to himself, that he doesn't hate this part, Zac's hands on his waist steadying him, smoothing his hair out of his eyes.

Kevin frowns at Zac until Zac breaks into a wide smile and kisses Kevin quick and happy.

"Oh my God, Dallas," Zac crows, gleeful, "that was ridiculous."

"Shut up," Kevin mumbles but he's smiling slightly. Zac's joy is contagious. He lets Zac pull him out to where the water covers their shoulders and they kiss underneath the late afternoon sun.

It's after five when they haul their gear back to the house, getting dark as the sun starts to go down. Kevin's this odd combination of giddy and exhausted.

They rinse their sandy feet off with the hose and traipse up the back porch through the kitchen.

Kevin's skin feels tight from the sun. Kevin _warned_ Zac that this would happen. He pauses at the open bathroom door, catches a glimpse at himself and makes a face at his reflection. "I look like a lobster," he says sadly, touching tentatively at his pink cheek. It stings and he winces.

"You don't," Zac tells him, a hand on his back. "Come on," he says, tugging Kevin toward the stairs. "I'll make it better." Kevin doesn't think Zac's talking in terms of medical attention.

He's going to have more freckles after this. "Good," Zac says when Kevin tells him so, "I like your freckles." He pauses on the staircase to turn and show Kevin what he thinks of them.

"I especially like this one," Zac says, pressing a kiss to the dip of Kevin's collar bone. He grins and tries to duck away but Zac catches him, presses him gently to the banister and kisses his mouth open.

They make it upstairs eventually, both of them a little breathless.

Zac's windows look out over the side alley and Kevin can see the ocean from here, between the houses. The sun reflecting off the surface makes Kevin think of diamonds.

Kevin stands awkwardly, unsure, in the doorway waiting. Zac looks at him, a funny smirk quirking his mouth. "Dallas, what are you doing?"

Kevin shrugs, hands at his sides.

Zac kisses him square on the mouth. "You're ridiculous," he says, affectionate and teasing. His voice is soft when he says, "lie down on your front."

Zac didn't make his bed this morning and it's oddly intimate, his worn sheets and threadbare quilt rumpled at the foot of the bed. Kevin lies down, cheek on the soft cotton of Zac's pillow. He inhales a little. He likes the way Zac smells. The sunburn has Kevin feeling weirdly vulnerable, like when he gets sick. He feels sleepy now, too, and a little raw. He's drifting off, body heavy with it, when Zac climbs up into the bed, kneeling over Kevin's thighs.

Kevin could fall asleep just like this, the breeze floating in through the open windows, the sunlight warm on his face, Zac's hands on his body.

"It's a little cool," he warns, touching Kevin gently, aloe a shock to his tender skin. He hisses, but after a second it starts to feel better, the cool gel soothing against his skin. Zac's hands feel good on his muscles, gentle.

"Good," Kevin sighs. He can feel himself relaxing, his body going boneless. Zac's hands work over the muscle in Kevin's lower back, the dimples there, up to his shoulders. Zac works a thumb against the dip between Kevin's shoulder blades, tension in his body dissolving as Zac takes his time.

"You're falling asleep on me, aren't you?" Zac mumbles quietly, his lips tracing the shell of Kevin's ear.

Kevin makes a hmm sound but he's already gone.

When he wakes up later the room is dark except for the lamp on Zac's desk. Zac's at his computer, studying.

"Sorry," he mumbles, yawning a little. He hadn't meant to do that. Zac looks over and smiles. He crosses the room to the bed and climbs in beside Kevin.

The breeze coming in through the open windows feels good on Kevin's skin.

"Hi," Kevin says quietly, touching Zac's cheek.

Something shifts in Zac's expression. "Hi," he says low, leaning forward to kiss Kevin.

Waking up is always a disorienting thing, he feels a little out of sorts and he sinks into the kiss, comfort he didn't realize he wanted. Kevin's getting better about taking what he wants and he hooks his finger in the neck of Zac's t-shirt to haul him forward, looking for the reassuring press of Zac's body against his, the touch of his skin. It feels like maybe all of this is catching up to him, the speed of everything finally registering.

Kevin stops to catch his breath, tucks his face against Zac's throat. Zac smells like the water, like sunshine.

"Kevin," Zac whispers. "Alright?"

Kevin makes a noise meant in the affirmative. He tugs at Zac's t-shirt and lifts his mouth to Zac's.

"I want to get naked with you," Zac breathes into Kevin's mouth, touching his fingers to Kevin's belly.

Kevin's in just his swim shorts. He's woken up half naked in Zac's bed, let Zac jerk him off, but they haven't done anything else, not yet.

"Just naked, Kevin," Zac says, thumbing Kevin's nipple and making Kevin arch up slightly.

"Okay," Kevin agrees, panting slightly.

Kevin focuses his nervous energy on undressing Zac, concentrates on Zac's skin as it's revealed. "Wow," he says before he can help it. He's seen Zac fully naked before but he's still not used to the way it makes him feel. Zac's skin is this golden color like he walks around naked in the sunshine. Except for the paler skin underneath his shorts, just a shade lighter than the rest. He's hard when Kevin pulls his shorts down his thighs but Kevin focuses on his firm belly, the shape of his chest, eyes anywhere but on Zac's dick.

He likes how comfortable Zac is in being naked, like it's so natural there's no reason to be shy about it. If Kevin could find his voice he might comment on it. As it is, Zac leaves him a little breathless.

Zac gets to his knees like that between Kevin's thighs, kisses him once and works him out of his shorts. Kevin lifts his hips off the mattress and focuses on the way Zac's mouth feels.

Kevin's not so comfortable in his own nudity. He was cursed with a pale complexion more likely to burn than tan and his own stomach is a little soft, his hips a little rounder than he'd like. He could get used to this, though, the way Zac looks at him like there's nothing wrong with him.

Zac pushes gently at his shoulder when the clothes are gone, urges Kevin to lie on his back against the pillows. It's weird. The room is bathed in low light, there's nothing to hide behind. He has to fight to keep his hands at his sides, to keep from doing something embarrassing like trying to cover himself.

Zac isn't moving to push this forward and that's unsettling. He's just looking at him, like he's studying something worth remembering.

"Come here," Kevin mumbles when he's had enough of this.

Zac smiles. "Don't be embarrassed," he says, running his fingertips up the inside of Kevin's thigh. Kevin's half hard, his cock lying against his thigh. Zac wraps his hand around it, slides his fist a couple of times, working Kevin up.

"Kevin," Zac says. Kevin turns his cheek against the pillow to look at Zac, kneeling between his spread thighs.

"Tell me if you want me to stop," is all the warning Kevin gets before Zac bends and takes Kevin into his mouth.

Kevin's so shocked he curls his fingers in Zac's bare shoulder and tries to push him off.

Zac looks up. "You want me to stop?"

Kevin doesn't know. It's just, that was unexpected, and he's probably going to come in about two seconds.

"Okay," Zac says when Kevin tells him so. Just like that. Okay, like it's fine that Kevin has no experience/stamina/control whatever, that the first touch of Zac's mouth on him has him ready to blow in half a second.

The thing is, Zac doesn't stop touching him. He slides his palms from Kevin's thighs up to his chest, down his arms to circle his wrists, fit their fingers together like a reassurance. He keeps one palm flat on Kevin's belly and works his mouth slowly, just taking his time with it.

When Zac pulls off and looks up at Kevin, Kevin moans, low and shuddering. Zac's lips are wet and really red, his eyes dark and heavy lidded, like this is hot for him, too.

"Can I," Kevin mumbles, reaching out. He touches his thumb to Zac's wet mouth.

Zac closes his eyes and lets out a slow breath. When he opens them, he's looking right at Kevin in a way that makes Kevin feel exposed, more than being here naked.

Zac opens his mouth and takes Kevin in again, swallows around him until Kevin's kicking restlessly at the sheets and pushing frantically at Zac's forehead.

"Zac, stop," he pants, his body hot. He can feel it building down in his spine and hits him suddenly, Zac's mouth still on him.

He goes still as he comes, Zac taking it even as Kevin tries to push him off.

Kevin sags, collapsing against the pillows, an arm over his eyes as he shudders, coming down.

Zac's still sucking him, his tongue working at his skin like he enjoys this and wants to savor it.

Kevin pushes at Zac's shoulder, shuddering, over-sensitive. Zac moves up over him, his own erection hot against Kevin's thigh, shifting his hips into it for the friction.

Kevin's still breathing hard when Zac kisses him, distracted enough that he doesn't realize until he's tasting it that Zac still has his come on his tongue.

Kevin jolts a little, surprised, but he doesn't pull away. He doesn't know if he likes it, the way it tastes, but he likes the way it feels, Zac hovering over him, kissing him like this, dirty and heavy and hot.

Kevin's boneless and exhausted but he wraps his arms around Zac's back, pressing them warm skin to skin and clings.

When he's caught his breath and he feels a little steadier, he pulls back to mumble, "Zac, I want to," waving his hand vaguely.

Zac shudders and jerks hard against Kevin's hip. "Okay, yeah," he pants.

Zac rolls to his back and Kevin settles on his side, hovering over him. He touches his fingers to Zac's chest, where his skin is warm and flushed pink. He trails his palm down the planes of Zac's belly to where his dick is hard, wet at the tip, against his skin.

Kevin presses his face to Zac's chest for a moment, just to get his bearings. "I don't know," he whispers. "I don't know what to do," he admits.

"Kevin," Zac says. "Do what feels good," he tells him.

Kevin doesn't understand what that means but he trusts Zac to tell him if it's not working. He curls his palm around Zac's erection, and lets out a slow breath. It feels good, weird, but really _good_ , the shape of Zac in his hand, the hot skin and the firmness, the knowledge that Zac is hard for _him_.

Kevin kisses Zac, licks into his mouth as he moves his hand tentatively. He can still taste himself on Zac's tongue and he makes a low, surprised noise at how much he likes it, heat spiking low down his spine.

Zac shifts his hips up, pushing into Kevin's hand. "Tighter," he breathes, tangling his fingers in Kevin's hair and holding him close.

Kevin obliges, curling his fist tighter and sliding his palm like he does to himself, jerking Zac slowly, listening to the way Zac's breathing speeds up, the way he pants into Kevin's mouth.

It's really hot. Kevin can feel himself try to get hard again.

He speeds his hand up, tries to make it good for Zac. The angle makes his wrist twinge and he's starting to think it's not working since it's taking a lot longer than it took for him. But Zac's encouraging him, making little noises, whispering, "mm, Kevin, just like that" low and dirty into Kevin's mouth so Kevin keeps going.

"I'm almost there," Zac mumbles breathlessly, tightening his hold on Kevin and pushing his hips up, looking for more.

Kevin speeds his hand up and waits for it, pulls back to watch Zac's face.

Zac doesn't make a sound when he comes but he arches up, head falling back, and it's the hottest thing Kevin's ever seen.

Kevin keeps his hand on Zac afterwards, his fingers sticky with Zac's come, and lets Zac pull him back for a kiss.

"I'm starving," Zac sighs a little later, laughing. "Nothing like good sex to work up an appetite," he says with a wide grin, just for Kevin's reaction. Kevin makes a face, only slightly embarrassed, but he leans into it when Zac kisses him, slow and lazy.

Zac pulls a slightly damp towel up off the floor and wipes at his belly with it before he reaches for Kevin's hand.

"All clean," Zac says, laughing at the face Kevin feels himself make. "Come on, let's go order food. Do you like Thai?"

"Mm, yes," Kevin says, starving all of a sudden. It's well past nine and he hasn't eaten since lunch. He gets to his feet, looking for his clothes. He pulls his swim shorts back on, still slightly damp, but he can't find his shirt.

"I lost my shirt," Kevin says. Zac has nice roommates, but he's not quite comfortable going downstairs to a houseful of them without a shirt.

"Here, wear one of mine," Zac says absently, handing Kevin a shirt from the laundry basket of clean clothes sitting at the foot of the bed.

"Thanks," Kevin says, pulling it over his head.

The kitchen his crowded when Kevin and Zac join his roommates. Lucas, Vanessa, Corbin, David, and Vanessa's best friend Ashley are in the kitchen, gathered around the table, drinking beer and fighting over a takeout menu.

It's probably pretty obvious what they were doing when they walk into the kitchen, and Kevin feels his face get hot when everyone looks up.

Zac doesn't seem fazed, though. He yanks the menu from Corbin's hands and passes it to Kevin. "Almost everything is good, but I'd stay away from the shrimp."

They place the order and hang out waiting for the food to come, Zac and Kevin sitting on the counter.

Kevin's aware of David watching him every now and then, eyes darting to Kevin. He's not shy about it, just watching him openly. Something about it makes Kevin feel flushed.

Zac doesn't seem to notice.

 

*

 

Kevin takes a break from midweek homework to go over to Zac's. He had to force himself to do it, he could feel himself start to get a little crazy.

They're making out in front of the TV in the living room, the downstairs part of the house quiet, though there's music filtering down from the second floor.

Kevin's spent the past few days thinking about Saturday afternoon, about Zac's mouth on him and the taste of himself afterward on Zac's tongue. He's jerked off thinking about it and lost a few study hours thinking about it, about wanting to try it. He doesn't know if he can do it, but he wants to _try_ , he wants to make Zac feel like that.

The sense memory of the way it felt, the heat of Zac's mouth on him, has stayed with Kevin.

Kevin takes a steadying breath. "Can we, um," he whispers, catching Zac's hand in his and pressing their fingers together. "Can we go upstairs?" He licks his lip nervously, and tastes Zac.

Zac's smiling slightly but not like he's making fun. "Yeah," he says, pulling Kevin up off the sofa, "come on."

Upstairs the music is louder and Kevin is grateful for it, hopes it'll drown out the sounds of whatever's about to happen.

Kevin shuts the door behind him and throws the lock. Zac's standing there watching him, waiting, like he can sense this is about something that Kevin wants.

Kevin doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know if there's anything he's comfortable saying so he just says, "Zac, I want to, um" and falls to his knees.

He lifts his face, flushed hot with embarrassment and nerves, and reaches for Zac, fumbling with the buttons on Zac's shorts. Zac is still, waiting and watching.

This is unfamiliar ground and he's unsure of himself here, out of his depth. He leans his forehead against Zac's belly, just for a breath. This is what he wants. He just maybe needs a little guidance.

Zac makes a low soothing sound, pushes his fingers encouragingly through Kevin's hair.  
"You're good, Kevin," he hums. It's not pushing, it's reassurance and it steadies Kevin just enough.

Kevin tugs Zac's shorts down around his hips. He focuses on the way it feels to be on his knees, the physical ache of his bones on threadbare carpet just to have something to anchor him.

Zac's half hard, the shape of his cock against the thin material of his underwear. He keeps touching Kevin, carding his fingers through Kevin's hair, touching his cheek. It helps.

Kevin presses his face there, to the front of Zac where he's warm, and inhales. He can feel Zac shiver slightly and he smiles a little, pleased, relaxing.

Kevin reaches up with both hands to hook his fingers in the waist of Zac's underwear and pushes them down his hips to bunch around his thighs.

Kevin wraps his palm around Zac, like he did last time, not as tentative. He takes a breath and opens his mouth, licks once at the head of Zac's dick just to taste. He feels Zac take a shuddering breath and he looks up, just to make sure this is okay. Zac's just watching him, unmoving.

Zac is warm, the flesh strange on his tongue, foreign. When Kevin licks again, a little firmer, he feels the way Zac reacts, going tense like it's a struggle to keep himself still. He takes a slow, shuddering breath that Kevin can feel.

Kevin wraps his palm around Zac and strokes experimentally, fingers firm around him, and opens his mouth to take the head between his lips. It's shocking a little, the stretch of it, the way just that bit fills his mouth. It's a trick to keep his teeth covered, his tongue flat. He just sits there like that for a minute, adjusting to the stretch and the fullness. He likes it.

Breathing is tricky, something else to remember, to keep track of, in through his nose and out. He strokes Zac, moves his hand, and makes a little suction, just to see what happens. Zac's fingers tighten in his hair, a sharp fleeting pain that shocks Kevin into a gasp. Zac pulls away.

"Shit, Kevin, sorry, sorry." Zac's mumbling. "I didn't mean to -"

"It's okay," Kevin cuts in. He didn't mind it. "It just startled me. It's - " he pauses, licks his lower lip where he can taste Zac. "I like it."

They try it again, Zac's palm flat on the crown of Kevin's head, and Kevin takes him back in, sucking at the tip, sliding his hand awkwardly down the length. Kevin likes the way it feels, that firm hot flesh filling his mouth. He likes touching, too, slides his hand, palm flat, beneath Zac's t-shirt to press against his skin. Like this, he can feel the breaths Zac takes, the flutter of muscle beneath his palm. Like this, he can feel the way Zac reacts, more than just the throb of him in his mouth.

Kevin likes feeling Zac get harder in his mouth, hard and wet at the tip now. He pulls off to take a full breath and there's clear liquid beaded at the tip. He flicks at it with his tongue, and hums in pleasure when Zac curls his fingers in his hair again, encouraging. It's salty, like the way Zac tasted with Kevin on his tongue. He does it again, tries to get more of it.

He opens his mouth, tries to take in as much as he can, opens his mouth wide, too much too fast. It hits the back of his throat, forgotten gag reflex that startles him into choking. He pulls of, gasping.

"Sorry, sorry," Kevin mumbles, pulling back, face hot with humiliation. He wants to be better at this. He presses his hand to his eyes for a second.

"Kevin," Zac says hoarsely. "Look at me."

Kevin takes a steadying breath - he's hard and hot and shaky, confused jumble of emotions leaping around his brain.

Zac touches his cheek, quietly urging him to open his eyes.

"Stop. This is good," Zac says. He wraps his own palm around his dick as if to remind Kevin how much he likes this. He touches the head to Kevin's cheek, smears the tip across his wet, swollen mouth, nudging his lips open. Kevin takes him in but doesn't try to go deep again, just sucks at as much fills his mouth and slides his fist over the rest. He's uncomfortably, painfully hard, throbbing with it. He presses his palm to the front of his jeans just for a little relief.

He can feel the way Zac's breathing changes, the noises he makes and Kevin's pulse speeds up, his cock going impossibly harder at the anticipation. He can feel it and he wants it, Zac filling his mouth. Hot disappointment and confusion rushes over him when Zac pushes at his forehead, forcing him off.

Kevin blinks up at Zac, mouth open to ask but Zac's focused, eyes on Kevin's, hand jerking himself rough and quick.

 _Oh_ , Kevin thinks, fingers curling around his erection. He feels it, eyes falling shut, when Zac comes, the first of it landing hot on his chin. Kevin forces his eyes open to see it, seeks it out with his mouth, the burst of it on his tongue. He jerks and shakes, shudders and comes just like that in his jeans, face hot, wet streaks on his skin.

When Zac stops shaking, hand going still, Kevin leans up, tongue flat to lick at the tip. He sucks again, just a little, to taste what he can, and Zac flinches.

"Too much," he whispers, raw.

Kevin doesn't really want to explain that he liked that so much he came with hardly anything so he stays there on the floor despite the throb in his knees and the ache in his back.

Zac kicks out of his shorts and underwear, stands there shamelessly in just his t-shirt before that's gone too and he's completely naked. "Come up here," he says hoarsely, reaching for Kevin, fingers on his wrist to pull him up.

Zac's reaching for the buttons on his jeans and Kevin flinches away, embarrassed.

"Dallas, what?" Zac says. Kevin makes a face.

"Oh shit, are you, oh," Zac says all at once. He kisses Kevin hard, chases the taste of himself from Kevin's mouth.

Zac's gentle, sweet, as he lays Kevin out on the bed.

He works Kevin's stained underwear and jeans down his thighs, tosses them to the floor. He uses his own discarded t-shirt to wipe what's left from Kevin's belly, his cock - half hard again, or still, Kevin's not sure which.

Zac pulls Kevin's t-shirt off and covers him, naked skin to skin. That's nice, the way it feels to be naked, pressed hot like this with Zac.

Kevin digs his fingers into Zac's back, bare skin warm, muscle bunching and flexing beneath his hands.

Kevin comes again, a little later, hot and sticky between the two of them.

 

*

 

Kevin wakes up in Zac's bed, both of them naked, legs twisted together. It's the light poring into the room that woke him.

He stays still for a second, listening to the sounds of people getting up and ready for class, Vanessa fighting nine guys for the bathroom.

He slips down the back stairwell and out through the kitchen. It's the first time he hasn't waited for Zac to wake up.

Something's shifted, something feels different.

The thing is, Kevin is not a good liar. He just _can't_ , and it always ends badly. It's his face, he's pretty sure, he's got a very expressive face and his voice gets wobbly when he tries to lie. It wouldn't be a problem because Kevin is an almost painfully honest person. Except for the fact that his mother keeps calling, and she keeps asking if he's met any nice girls.

Kevin walks back to campus quickly. He very badly needs a shower before his nine o'clock class, he can still smell come on his skin. He gets hot at that and then something inside of him shifts and breaks loose and he feels panicky.

In less than a month, he's fallen into this - whatever - with Zac, and all of a sudden he's this person who gives blowjobs and falls asleep in the bed of a boy he's known for mere weeks.

It's just. It's kind of overwhelmingly a lot and he was good with it, but now it's become this huge part of his life that he _loves_ and can't share with the _people_ he loves.

The last time his mom called he let it go to voicemail. He still hasn't called her back. He _can't_ , not when it means lying about this huge thing in his life that's become really important when he wasn't even looking.

By the time he gets back to the dorm he's worked himself up into a mess of emotions.

"Hey," Miles says when Kevin lets himself into their room. "I thought you were at Zac's." He grins in a way that Kevin interprets as _good for you, you dog_.

"Yeah, sorry," Kevin mumbles. He has no idea why he's apologizing.

"Hey, it's cool, I'm not your mother," Miles says, shaking his head. "I'm going to get breakfast before class, wanna come?"

Kevin shakes his head. "Can't," he says, "gotta shower." He can't look at Miles.

"Hey, dude," Miles says, putting a gentle hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Kevin shakes his head abruptly and then starts nodding like a bobble head. "Oh yes, good, I'm good," he says and he ducks out from under Miles' hand and starts digging for clean clothes.

"Yes, shower, I'm gonna," Kevin mutters and takes off down the hall, his arms full.

 

*

 

In Kevin's head, the best thing to do is just pretend like everything's okay. So he ignores Zac's phone calls and tries to disappear. It works for a day and a half until Kevin comes back from class and finds Zac waiting for him on the steps of his dorm.

"Hey," Zac says softly, concerned, "is everything okay? I saw Miles at lunch and he said you've been weird. Did something happen with your family?"

Kevin feels his throat get tight. Of course Zac's worried. He's not mad that Kevin's been avoiding him, but here asking about Kevin's family. It's one of the reasons Kevin likes him so much.

"Hey, Kevin," Zac says quietly, when Kevin doesn't say anything, "you can talk to me." He hesitates. "Come on," he says, grabbing Kevin's hand and pulling him toward the stairs.

Kevin's room is empty when Zac ushers them inside.

"Is everything okay? What's going on? I assumed you were just busy with homework but Miles made it sound like something's going on." Zac touches Kevin's hip. "Kevin," he urges gently "talk to me."

Kevin takes a breath but nothing comes out. He watches Zac go still, something like understanding crossing his face.

"Is this." Zac stops and takes a breath. "Is this your way of saying you want to stop?"

Kevin's kind of surprised that Zac's here but he should have known better. He just kind of expected Zac to give up on him when Kevin kept ignoring his calls. He's an idiot for thinking he could just disappear.

"No," Kevin whispers. "I just. Um." He takes a breath through the tightness in his chest. "I'm sorry," he mutters.

He can't look at Zac, at the sadness in Zac's eyes, like maybe this is so much more to him than Kevin thought.

"You don't understand," Kevin says a little desperately.

"Then, fuck, Kevin," Zac says, "explain it to me." He's standing across the room and Kevin just wants to go to him and have everything just magically be alright.

Kevin's known the truth about himself since he was seven years old and he just always figured it would be one of those things he kept to himself. Zac's ruined it now. Because now he knows what it's like to be his real self, to be liked and wanted for who he _really_ is, not the person he thinks he's supposed to be.

And then he remembers his parents and their dreams for him and everything shifts and he feels like he can't get his balance.

Kevin's quiet long enough that Zac comes to some conclusion in his head. "Okay, then," he says flatly. "I get it. Sorry for showing up here."

He moves past Kevin like he's going to leave and walk away and Kevin panics. "I can't lie," he blurts.

Zac stops. "What?"

"I can't lie," Kevin says, "I'm bad at it, everyone always knows when I'm lying, it's my face, and my voice gets all wobbly. My mom calls and she asks if I've met any nice girls and. Zac," Kevin says feeling a little desperate, his breath getting short, "I can't lie." He tries to take a deep breath but it's painful and it won't come. He tries again and it stops short in his chest. He's hyperventilating, he realizes, and it gets worse as he tries to catch his breath.

Zac looks alarmed. He strides forward and braces Kevin with hands on his shoulders.

"Breathe, Kevin, Jesus," Zac mutters. "Look at me, focus." Kevin tries to get through the panic in his head and look at Zac, focus on him. "Take a deep breath," Zac says gently, encouraging.

Kevin takes a slow, deep breath, pulling air into his lungs and he can feel it work, calming him just a little.

Zac talks Kevin through it. "It's okay, shh, it's fine. It's alright." Zac takes Kevin's hand and guides him to sit at the edge of his bed. "Here, sit down."

Kevin sits and Zac sits next to him and they're quiet as Kevin tries to steady his breathing.

"This is partly my fault," Zac says quietly after a while.

"What? Zac, no," Kevin says, shaking his head. Zac's been - well. Zac's been everything Kevin's always wanted.

Zac curls his fingers in Kevin's, their joined hands resting on his knee. "We should have had this conversation from the beginning." He sighs. "I knew I was your first, I just. I guess I just assumed your parents knew you're gay." Zac rubs his free hand over his face.

Kevin shakes his head. "No," he whispers. "My parents don't know."

Joe knows, because Joe is weirdly observant and he pointed it out to Kevin when Kevin assumed no one but he himself knew. And Nick knows because Joe tells Nick everything. Frankie probably already figured it out. He's smarter than the three of them combined. But his parents, that's different. His mom has all these plans for him, shares stories of her dreams for his wedding and her first grand baby. And his dad, well. He already knows what is and isn't acceptable with his dad.

"My mom's known about me since I was eleven," Zac says after a while. He looks over at Kevin and gives him a sad smile. "She's the one that told me, actually." He takes a breath. "I told her about you the day we met, Kevin."

Kevin looks up, surprised. "You did?"

"She knows everything. I told her about how you can't surf and that you take school too seriously, about your family and how much you love them. She knows about your crazy obsession with sea turtles, and that you talk in your sleep, the way you pick the cheese off your pizza," Zac pauses, "and that I'm kind of crazy about you."

Kevin realizes then that he's crying. He grimaces at Zac, embarrassed, and pushes his hand away when Zac tries to comfort him. "Don't," Kevin pleads. He's not a crier, and he hates that he's doing this now. He wishes things were different.

"Kevin," Zac says, "please don't cry." He tucks Kevin in against his shoulder, presses a kiss to his temple and something cracks in Kevin and he dissolves, shoulders shaking.

Afterwards, he can't look at Zac. He stands up to find tissues, ignoring the way Zac's looking at him.

"Don't," Zac says abruptly, making Kevin flinch. "Stop fucking pulling away from me."

"Sorry," Kevin mumbles. He knows he's shutting down, pushing Zac away, but it's just. It's a lot all at once and he doesn't know what to do.

"No," Zac mutters, pushing a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry." He reaches for Kevin, wraps his arms around him and hugs him in the kind of hug that reminds Kevin of home, of his parents and his brothers. Kevin tries to relax into it.

"Zac," Kevin says because he feels like he owes Zac more than this. "I'm - it's just a lot, all at once. I'm sorry I freaked out."

Zac rubs his palms down Kevin's back and steps away so he can look at Kevin. "Okay," he says. "Do you want me to back off?"

Kevin doesn't hesitate. "No, I. I want this, I _do_." He takes a breath. "I'm just saying because - I'm just saying."

Zac exhales a slow breath. "Okay, then," he says quietly.

 

*

 

Things have changed between them now. It's not the way it was. Kevin knows it's his fault but he doesn't know how to fix it. Zac's more cautious around him, like he's afraid of another meltdown. Kevin can't even blame him.

When he goes to Zac's on Friday night, a few days later, it's because he's trying to fix things and not because he really wants to. He talked Rachel into coming with him and she talks nonstop as she drives, this beat up Honda Civic she calls Pepe.

"You're quiet," she says as she pulls into the alley behind Zac's house. "Is everything okay? I thought you said things were okay between you and Zac."

Kevin told Rachel about what happened and she's been a good friend about it, better than he feels he deserves.

"Yeah," Kevin says, "but they're different. I think, I don't know, Rachel. I think maybe I ruined it."

"No, Kevin," Rachel says, putting the car in park and leaning across the seat. She pulls his hand into hers. "Zac really likes you. Just be patient, hmm?"

She gives him a quick hug. "Come on, let's go get drunk," she grins, pulling away.

The party's spilled out into the backyard and they pick they're way through the drunken mess of people, up the back steps and into the kitchen.

Zac's there with Ashley and Vanessa, leaning against the counter with a beer in his hand.

Zac still smiles when he sees Kevin. It's not as free and open, but it's got the same softness at the corners and it makes Kevin feel the way it did before, warm all over. Maybe this will work, maybe they'll be okay.

"Hey," Kevin says, pulling Rachel along with him.

"Hey," Zac echoes, giving Kevin a slow, sweet kiss. "Hi, Rachel," he says, smiling at her when he pulls away, keeping Kevin close with a hand on his hip. "Glad you could make it."

"Thanks for inviting me," Rachel says brightly.

Zac introduces Rachel to Vanessa and Ashley and pulls Kevin down the darkened corridor off the kitchen where it's less noisy.

"Hi, thank you for coming," Zac says quietly, leaning against the wall, palming Kevin's hips.

Kevin smiles and feels something loosen, like this is going to be okay. They're going to be fine. "Thanks for having me," he smiles, lopsided.

Zac's grins wide. "Come on, I'll find you something to drink. Maybe just some Sprite," he says teasing.

In the kitchen, Rachel's sitting at the table with Ashley, talking animatedly about some actor Kevin's never heard of.

Ashley looks up when they come in. "Sorry, Rachel, can you give me a second?" She gets up. "Zac, can I talk to you for a second?" she says.

"Yeah," Zac says, concerned. "I'll be right back," he tells Kevin and follows Ashley into the living room and out the front door.

"I wonder what that's about," Kevin mutters, sitting in Ashley's vacated seat.

Rachel leans in conspiratorially. "Vanessa's ex boyfriend showed up just now. She got really upset and stormed out." She hands Kevin her red party cup. "You have to try this, it's so good, it tastes like candy."

Kevin takes a sip. It's sweet and it slides down him smoothly, making him warm. "Good," he says, "I'm stealing this."

Rachel shrugs, grinning. "That's fine, I'll get that cute guy to get me more, wherever he went."

"That cute guy," turns out to be David and he comes in off the porch a few minutes later, two milk jugs of something pink in his hands.

"Kevin," David grins, patting Kevin on the back as he sets the punch on the counter. "Good to see you, it's been what - a whole week? I was starting to think you and wonder boy had broken up."

Kevin frowns. "No," he says sharply. "We're great."

"So I hear," David says, in a way Kevin doesn't like, like maybe David knows something Kevin doesn't.

Rachel waves her hand in David's face. "Can I get some more of the liquid candy please?" she says. "Kevin stole mine."

Kevin makes an apologetic face, except he's not really sorry. He feels better now then he did before he got here, mostly because of Zac and maybe partly because of the punch.

David gets Rachel a new cup and refills Kevin's, standing a little too close.

"Thank you," Kevin says loudly, gripping the cup in both hands and pulling away abruptly.

"Kevin, honey," Rachel says, eyes wide as Kevin drinks half his cup in one swallow, "maybe you should go slow, what do you say." She puts a gentle hand on Kevin's shoulder.

"Can't," he gasps, taking a breath, "too good." He downs the rest and holds his cup up for David. "More, please, David Henrie."

David's leaning against the counter, arms crossed, watching Kevin with an amusement Kevin doesn't get. "Sure thing boss man," David says with a shrug and fills Kevin's cup until the punch sloshes over the rim, getting Kevin's wrist sticky.

"Hey!" Kevin says. "Don't waste it." He brings his hand to his mouth and licks at his skin.

"Okay kid," David says, "come on." He pulls Kevin up but it doesn't work out so well, Kevin stumbles and his drink sloshes on his shirt, staining it pink.

"Let's go get some air," David says. Kevin has a weird sense of deja vu, even through the mush his brain has become.

"Air is good," Kevin agrees, nodding. "Is it hot in here?"

"Okay," Rachel says getting up and moving towards the living room where it's louder and there's a crowd of people. "I'm gonna go dance by myself."

It's quieter out here. David leads Kevin to a corner of the porch. He takes Kevin's cup from him. "Zac's not going to be happy with me," David says, "I should take better care of his boy."

Kevin likes the way that sounds. Zac's boy. "Yeah," he sighs, feeling a little lightheaded. "You have to take better care of me, I'm Zac's."

Something about those words doesn't sound right but Kevin just shrugs and sags against the railing.

"I need to stop drinking," Kevin sighs, leaning against David. "Why is there so much drinking here?"

David's pressed up against his side, and Kevin shuffles in closer because it's cool out here at night, the breeze from the ocean making it chilly. David slings an arm around Kevin's shoulder and Kevin sags a little into him.

"You're warm," he says. David is taller than Zac, and skinnier, he has less defined muscle than Zac. He feels nothing at all like Zac. It's neither a good thing or a bad thing but Kevin comments on it anyway.

"You're not Zac, you don't feel like him," Kevin sighs. He likes Zac _a lot_.

"No," David agrees, and he's a lot closer than Kevin remembered, his breath warm on Kevin's face. "I'm not Zac." There's a sharpness in the way he says it, like he's said it before.

"Hey," Kevin says, straightening up slightly. He grabs David's collar and hauls him closer. "It's okay, I'm not Zac either." He sighs, tripping a little on nothing and colliding into David. David braces him, hands on his hips. "David," Kevin tells him, "we can't all be Zac."

Kevin feels his head get fuzzy like he just needs to go to sleep. "I'm going to rest now," Kevin says, resting his forehead against David's shoulder.

David's hand is warm, his fingers gentle at the back of his neck. That makes him think of Zac. "Zac," Kevin breathes, and David goes still, tense.

Kevin stands up straight. "I have to go find Zac, I have to tell him - I love him." Kevin feels his eyes get wide. He knows he's not completely with it, that the candy juice is making him a little crazy, but he feels it like a certainty. He loves Zac.

"I love Zac!" He says louder. "Okay, I have to go find him, thanks for the juice, David Henrie," Kevin says and turns towards the door.

"Kevin," David says, catching Kevin's wrist in his.

"Hmm?" Kevin says, slightly slurred. He's starting to feel a little dizzy.

David hesitates and then before Kevin's drunk brain can react, David's mouth is on his. David's lips are sticky sweet but it's all _wrong_.

Kevin pushes David away, a hand on his chest. "Hey, wait a minute," he says sharply. "You are _not_ Zac. Only Zac kisses me," Kevin says, poking David in the chest.

"It's okay, Zac's not here," David says, like he's calming a skittish kitten. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

David leans in again and Kevin braces both hands on David's chest and opens his mouth to tell David off.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Kevin hears from somewhere behind him.

"Zac!" Kevin sighs. "See, I told you. Only Zac," he says to David before he spins around. Zac's standing in the light from the kitchen, a hard, angry look in his eyes that Kevin's never seen before. Vanessa's with him, her eyes red like she's been crying.

David's hands are still at Kevin's waist, catching him when Kevin tries to go to Zac.

"Let go," Kevin mumbles just as Zac says, "get your fucking hands off him." His face is red and his eyes are hard. He won't look at Kevin.

"It wasn't anything he doesn't want," David says with a shrug.

Kevin opens his mouth to call David a liar but everything happens so quickly. Zac pulls Kevin out of the way and before Kevin can react, Zac's hauling back to punch David square in the jaw.

"Shit!" Vanessa yells, covering her mouth.

"Oh no!" Kevin yells because he doesn't swear but this is really bad. Kevin heard the sound Zac's fist made connecting with David's jaw. It sounded loud.

"Fuck, son of a _bitch_ ," Zac groans, pain crossing his face as he presses his hand to his chest. David's bent over, gasping, a hand at his jaw.

Vanessa rushes forward, pushing Kevin gently out of the way. "David, now would be a good time to disappear," she says before she turns to Zac, cradling his hand in one of hers.

"Fuck you," David mutters though there's no heat in it. He turns towards the house, sees Kevin and stops.

"Sorry, kid," David mumbles right before he slips into the kitchen.

"Zac, are you okay," Kevin whispers, rooted to his spot. He's never seen Zac look like that, like he could tear David apart with his bare hands. He's never seen anyone punch another person, either.

"Zac," Kevin mumbles again, taking a stumbling step forward. He reaches for Zac, just to touch him and reassure him that it's okay, Kevin knows now what he wants.

"Shit," Zac mutters, leaning on Vanessa. "Fucking asshole." He's cradling his hand and wincing.

Kevin takes a startled step backward at the look in Zac's eyes. He feels his stomach lurch dangerously, a feeling he knows way too well.

"Dallas, wait," Zac mumbles, taking a step towards Kevin as Kevin turns and flees towards the bathroom.

He barely makes it in time. By the time he's done throwing up, he's sure there's nothing left in him.

When he stops gagging he realizes Rachel's with him, kneeling beside him, her hand cool on the back of his neck as she rubs soothing circles into his skin.

"Are you okay?" She says quietly, handing Kevin a cup of water. He doesn't feel drunk anymore. He feels miserable, like maybe something really amazing just ended.

He shrugs, taking a slow sip.

"Vanessa filled me in," Rachel says, rearranging herself so she's sitting cross-legged, facing Kevin.

"Yeah," Kevin mumbles. "I'm pretty sure you were lucky you missed it." He rubs at his mouth as if he could scrub the memory of David away.

"I don't know if you're ready to leave or not," Kevin says apologetically, "but, do you think you could take me home?"

His chest is tight, his throat raw from throwing up and he wants to try to forget tonight happened.

"Sure, honey," she says getting to her feet. She holds her hand out to Kevin and Kevin lets her haul him up, only wobbling slightly. She wraps an arm around his waist and gives him a hug. "It's okay, it'll be okay."

Kevin doesn't say anything. He doesn't know if he believes her.

 

*

 

Kevin thinks they just need space, they just need a day or two to get past what happened.

He waits until Sunday before he walks to Zac's and even that is hard.

He spends Saturday with Rachel in the library but he doesn't get much done. He keeps replaying the whole stupid scene in his head, the look on Zac's face like Kevin betrayed him.

When he talks to his mother on the phone on Sunday morning it's easier to avoid talking about Zac. He doesn't know where things are between them.

Part of Kevin kept hoping Zac would call him or come over but there's just disappointment in that.

Zac's usually up early on Sundays and it's not yet nine when Kevin slips in through the kitchen up the back steps. Zac's bedroom door is open which means Zac's probably in the bathroom. Kevin doesn't go in, he's not sure what's allowed, he waits in the hallway.

Zac comes out a few minutes later, a towel around his waist, wet from the shower.

He stops short when he sees Kevin waiting. His eyes go wide for a beat, but that softness that's usually there is absent.

"Dallas," Zac says quietly. "What are you doing here?"

It's that question that tells Kevin things are over. He's never needed a reason before.

"Um, hi," Kevin says quietly. "I just wanted to. Um, I came to." He stops to take a breath. "Can we talk?"

Zac hesitates. "Sure," he says after a beat. "Just let me get dressed."

"Okay, okay thanks," Kevin says, shifting awkwardly. "I'll just wait downstairs." He turns to head down the steps.

"Kevin," Zac says quietly, catching Kevin's wrist as he brushes past. "Don't be silly." He gestures towards his bedroom and Kevin follows him in.

Zac shuts the door behind him as Kevin sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands as Zac moves around the room.

"Come on," Zac says, when he's dressed. "Let's take a walk."

They don't say anything. Zac takes them to the beach, to the same spot where they ate breakfast together.

Kevin sits in the sand, crosses his legs and takes a breath.

"It's just a big misunderstanding," Kevin blurts out before he can stop himself. He doesn't know what else to say, how to fix this between them. "I was drunk and David took me outside for some air. I didn't know - Zac, I didn't know he was going to do that. I tried to move past him to come and find you, I wanted to tell you - I had something to tell you. And he just. He kissed me."

"I saw the whole thing," Zac says quietly.

"So then, you know," Kevin says, relieved. "He kissed me, I didn't want him to."

"Yeah," Zac says quietly. "I know."

But. Kevin's missing something. It doesn't make sense.

"Kevin," Zac sighs. "I know you didn't kiss him, that he took advantage of you." He touches Kevin's hand then. "I'm really sorry for that, he shouldn't have done that."

There's something in Zac's tone that Kevin doesn't like, like Kevin's not going to want to hear what he says next.

"I think I just. I realized how far apart we are," Zac says on a breath, like something he's been holding inside.

"I don't understand," Kevin says. "What, we're not far apart. We're good, you and me, we're really good."

"Kevin," Zac says sadly. "You're _seventeen_. You've lived your whole life in this sheltered little bubble, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just saying." Zac takes a breath. "I'm just saying we're in different places. When I was seventeen I'd had boyfriends and I'd been fucked and fucked over."

Kevin flinches at that, feels his face go red.

"That's part of what I'm talking about," Zac says a little desperately, gesturing towards Kevin.

"I just. I thought it would be okay, you and me despite how different our lives are. I didn't think four years was that big a deal."

"It's not, Zac, it's not. We're good together. I'm sorry," Kevin whispers.

"Hey, don't apologize," Zac says quietly. "You don't have anything to apologize for. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm just telling you, I think we're just - I think maybe we're too different."

"Is this because my parents don't know about me?" Kevin says trying not to sniffle. He doesn't want this to go like that.

"I won't lie and say that's not part of it, Kevin," Zac concedes. "I just. I've been where you are, but I've also been out since I was sixteen and earlier than that to my family. I don't know what it's like to not be able to be myself with my mom. And I can't pressure you into doing what you aren't ready for."

"Okay," Kevin mumbles. "Can you go now please?" His voice cracks and he's trying to hold on, he doesn't want a scene with Zac. He just wants this to be over so he can get past it.

"Kevin," Zac says sadly.

"Just please," Kevin whispers, "just go."

Zac makes a face like an attempt at a smile that falls short. He leans over and brushes Kevin's curls out of his eyes, like he's done a dozen times before. But it feels different. Zac palms Kevin's cheeks, pulls him close so their mouths brush.

Kevin feels the sob bubble it's way out before he can stop it and he jerks away, shoulders shaking.

He presses his palms to his face. "Zac, just _go_."

He feels Zac hesitate for a second and then he's getting up. "I'll see you later, Kevin," Zac says sadly.

Kevin stays there for a while. He doesn't cry - he won't let himself. He watches the beach slowly fill up, watches the joggers and the little kids. He sits there until he loses track of time.

It's close to lunch time when he makes it back to campus.

He goes through the motions, he showers and eats a peanut butter sandwich, gathers his books and heads to the library. It's easy to just get lost in his homework, he knows how to do that. It helps, actually, to have something to focus on. It's a relief, the first time since school's started he's glad to have the course load he has.

Rachel joins him a little while later, coming in quietly.

"Oh Kevin, honey," she says when she sees the look in his eyes.

He shakes his head. He doesn't want to talk about it.

"Okay," she agrees, "no talking about it." She nudges his foot with hers. "You know I love you, right? And I'm here if you need me?"

His voice won't work so he just nods.

 

*

 

"Get up," Miles says, a command that pulls Kevin out of sleep. He's been in bed since dinner, slipping in and out of consciousness.

He rolls to his back to blink up at Miles, who's standing over his bed with narrowed eyes. He has a towel in one hand and some of Kevin's clothes in the other. "Go shower, and then we're going out."

Kevin frowns, thinks about saying something but decides it's too much effort so he rolls back to his front and pulls the pillow over his head.

It's been a week, the longest week of Kevin's life but only a week. He's gone through the motions of class and homework, struggling to find the energy to for little things like eating and showering.

He's been waiting for Friday to come around, so he could spend a night wallowing in bed and that's what he intends to do. Except Miles is looming over him, sounding kind of serious.

"I swear to fuck Kevin, if you don't get up right now I will beat the ever loving crap out of you."

Kevin has never heard Miles like this. The tone of his voice, the clipped words, propel Kevin to very slowly sit up, put one foot and then the other on the floor and sigh.

"Thank you," Miles says, a little more gently. "There's a party at one of the houses up the beach. One of Craig's friends invited us, and you're coming with us."

Kevin doesn't want to go to any party. He wants to go back to sleep. But Miles has been unendingly patient and understanding with him and Kevin knows everyone reaches the end of their rope at some point. He has no desire to test Miles' bluff.

He takes the things Miles holds out to him. "Only because I really don't want to see what you look like when you're really angry," Kevin mutters, grabbing his shower shoes as he heads down the hall.

The shower makes him feel slightly more human and he stands there until his fingertips are shriveled and the hot water is starting to go.

He dresses in the clothes Miles handed him, jeans and a sweater. He doesn't look at his reflection, he doesn't care what he looks like.

Miles and his friends Craig and Aaron are waiting for him when he gets back to the room.

"Good to see you're still breathing, dude," Aaron says, clapping Kevin on the shoulder.

It takes twenty minutes to get to the stretch of nicer houses up the beach. Craig parks his car half on someone's lawn a quarter of a mile away, the closest spot they find.

Kevin can hear the noise from the party already in full swing.

It's a nice house. Kevin doesn't care about anything but finding punch or something that isn't beer that will do the trick.

He recognizes a bunch of people from school and there's three times as many he doesn't recognize from other schools. He pushes his way through a crowd in the kitchen and finds someone mixing drinks. He takes two and downs the first one as he tries to find a quiet place to hide.

What he finds is David, and that's only by accident. David's coming out of the bathroom as Kevin's looking for it, figures locking himself in here is as good a place as any to stay out of the way.

"Kevin," David says quietly, surprised. "I didn't expect to see you here."

Kevin hasn't eaten anything since lunch, his dinner ended up un-touched, and the alcohol hit his bloodstream quickly. He's lightheaded and halfway to being more drunk than he's ever been in his life. Which is saying something, considering the last month of his life.

"Yeah, I'm not supposed to be here," he says, staring blankly down into his empty cup. "My drink is gone."

"That's probably for the best," David says, reaching out to steady Kevin as he sways a little.

The sad thing is he feels worse now than he did when he was sober. He thought this was supposed to make him feel better, that drowning his sorrows in liquor would lessen the feeling that _he_ was drowning. If anything he feels more morose now.

"Come on," David says, steering Kevin back down the darkened hallway. "Let's go get some air."

"I don't want air," Kevin mumbles. What he wants is Zac. He doesn't say that though.

There's a huge deck with stairs leading to the beach. David guides Kevin through the press of people to the railing.

"You're pretty miserable, huh," David mutters, his mouth close enough Kevin can feel his breath on his cheek.

"'M not, I'm fine," Kevin slurs, folding his arms on the railing and resting his cheek there. That seems to steady the spinning and he lets out a sigh, shoulders heaving.

David is standing close, back against the railing. He's not saying anything.

"This is all your fault," Kevin says quietly, the words exhaled into his folded arm. He doesn't know if David can hear him and it doesn't feel better to say it. It doesn't fix anything. It's not even true, anyway.

"You should just leave me alone," Kevin says standing upright abruptly and turning to go somewhere, anywhere. He doesn't get far, his legs are wobbly and his feet won't quite work.

David catches him around the waist, steadying him. "Hey now," he says softly, "I know you don't mean that."

And the sad thing is, David's right. If things were different, if Kevin didn't know what he was missing with Zac, he thinks he could like David like that. David's an okay guy, on his own away from Zac. But Kevin knows what it's like to be with Zac, to be completely content with someone. Maybe, when the bruises have healed and he's gotten some space, there will be someone else. But for now David's just this guy who got in the way of him and Zac.

"I do," Kevin says, hiccuping a little. "You're nice, you have nice eyes and nice lips, and you probably look good naked, but you're not Zac." He feels his throat get tight. "I miss Zac."

He sags a little then, like his legs just won't hold him up anymore. He rests his forehead on David's shoulder. "Why aren't you Zac?"

He can feel David stiffen slightly.

"Dallas."

"Mm, yeah," Kevin breathes, "Zac."

There are hands at his waist hauling him around, away from David. Kevin feels tired and loopy, his head on a string threatening to float away and he doesn't know what's going on but Zac is _here_.

"Later, Kevin," David says a little sadly. Kevin waves vaguely but he's focusing on Zac. He hasn't seen Zac in _days_.

"You look really good," Kevin sighs, reaching up to touch Zac's face. Just to make sure that this is real, that Zac's here and concerned, taking care of him.

"I miss you," Kevin mumbles. He misses _everything_. The way things used to be. He misses feeling like everything made sense, that things were just as they should be.

"What are you doing here?" Kevin asks before he can stop himself. He doesn't want to know the answer to that, he doesn't want to hear that Zac's moving on and found someone else to kiss and touch and share his bed with.

"I'm here with Vanessa and Ashley," Zac says, brushing Kevin's hair off his sweaty forehead. That makes something loosen in Kevin and he lets out a breath that feels relieved.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Zac asks. He keeps his hand on Kevin, warm at the back of Kevin's neck. "You hate parties."

Kevin hiccups again. "I don't _know_ ," he says mournfully. "I do, I _hate_ it here. Miles made me come, and I don't want to bleed."

"I have no idea what that means," Zac says, mouth quirking up slightly.

"It means Miles won't let me sleep," Kevin mumbles. "I just want to sleep."

"Yeah," Zac says quietly. "It's been a shitty week for me, too."

"Kiss me please," Kevin whispers then, tilting his chin up. He's not allowed to have this anymore, and it's his fault he knows. But he misses the way Zac kisses him like an ache deep in his gut. He curls his fingers around Zac's neck. "Please," he breathes, "Zac, please."

"Dallas," Zac says, shaking his head. "We're not going to do this now," he says, pulling Kevin's hands down and linking their fingers together. "You're drunk."

"I know," Kevin sighs. "And I don't even _drink_. Why am I always drunk all the time? Is this what college is?"

Zac chuckles. "Come on, let's get you some water," he says, taking Kevin's hand and pulling Kevin back through the crowd of people.

"I don't like parties," Kevin says loudly. He doesn't - parties are too loud with too many people.

Zac finds a bottle of water in the fridge. "Here," he says, passing it to Kevin. "Drink this slowly."

Kevin takes the bottle from Zac but he doesn't drink it. He steps in against Zac, an arm around his waist. "You're taking care of me," Kevin sighs. "You always take care of me."

He feels Zac tense up slightly. "Yeah, Dallas," Zac says, voice tight.

"Why? You aren't with me anymore, we stopped doing -" Kevin waves his hand around "whatever we were doing. Why are you taking care of me?"

"Kevin, just drink the damn water," Zac sighs, stepping away.

"No," Kevin says loudly, curling his fingers in Zac's shirt and bringing forward. "I want to know why."

"Kevin," Zac says, "don't be an idiot." He says it with affection, his voice soft. "Why do you think?"

"Because you like me," Kevin says, stepping closer and nuzzling his face in against Zac's throat. "I knew it, you like me."

Zac palms Kevin's hips. "Yes, I like you," he mumbles.

"So then," Kevin pulls back to look at Zac, his eyes wide, feeling like he's pleading, "why can't we be together."

"Kevin, stop," Zac says. "Now's not the time to talk about this."

"Then when," Kevin demands, letting Zac untangle his fingers from Zac's shirt.

"When you're not wasted and we're not in the middle of a bunch of drunken idiots." He pauses and blows out a breath. "You know what, come on. Let's get out of here," he says, taking Kevin's hand and pulling him out of the kitchen.

"Give me your phone," Zac says, reaching in Kevin's pocket for his cell phone. "I'm going to text Miles and tell him I'm taking you to my place."

Kevin feels triumphant and he grins widely at Zac. "Yes," he whispers, feeling giddy. He resists bouncing on his toes.

Zac shakes his hide, trying not to smile. "Sleeping, Dallas, we're going to my place to sleep."

"I know that," Kevin says, focusing on the way Zac's hand feels in his. It's still him in Zac's bed. That's a start.

 

*

 

Kevin blinks wide awake and stares into the darkness, trying to remember where he is. He closes his eyes for a second, putting pieces together. Beside him, he feels Zac shift awake, rolling towards him.

The clock on the bedside table says it's not quite seven, not quite light out. Kevin stretches and turns to his side, knee knocking against Zac's. He shifts, repositions his legs so they're fitted like pieces of a puzzle with Zac's.

Kevin has no idea where he and Zac stand but it feels right, being here, waking up next to Zac. He doesn't want it to disappear again.

"Go back to sleep, Dallas," Zac mumbles, his mouth nudging against Kevin's cheek.

"I can't," Kevin whispers, "I'm wide awake."

Zac opens one eye and peers at Kevin. "How's your head?"

Kevin sighs and shuffles towards Zac's warmth. "It feels good," he says quietly. It does, not at all like he drank too much last night.

"Good," Zac mumbles. Kevin can tell he's still mostly asleep. "Your stomach?"

"It's good."

"See," Zac yawns, "that's why you should drink water when you drink."

"Hey, I didn't know that," Kevin insists. "Why didn't I know that?"

Zac closes his eyes, smiling slightly. He drapes an arm across Kevin's hip and pulls him forward. "Guess that's what I'm here for," he says, already slipping back into sleep.

"Yeah," Kevin whispers, curling his fingers around Zac's where they're tangled in the sheets. "I guess so."

 

[ the end ]


End file.
